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Random Crap (Return of the Crap)

Discussion in 'Traditional' started by Oath, Dec 20, 2016.

  1. Oath

    Oath King Bitch™

    History lesson my children. Many years ago in the early stages of this forum, I had a spoof thread where I would poke fun at the forums active roleplays. Reading the craptacular original thread today has inspired me to reincarnate the terrible tradition. Maybe it's immature. But sometimes it's fun to be able to laugh at yourself. Hopefully this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. The intent of this thread is purely for humor, no shade thrown. Without further introduction....

    Behind the Scenes: The Crappy not rehearsed introductions.

    Paige: Wow guys it's been a few years.... I guess we'd better sound off to see who is still with us and introduce the newbies.

    Voltair: Yeeeaaaah do we have to do this again?

    Paige: Quiet Voltair or I'll tell Raven about just how many flings you had before she came along.

    Voltair: You and Kat don't count! Those were never confirmed.

    Raven: Wait What?

    Voltair: *Puts finger to Raven's mouth* Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    Raven: W.....T.....F......

    Lillith: Shut up guys I didn't get to be a part of the first ones I'm excited-

    Jaxx: WHAT THE HELL HOPE! I WAS A GODDAMN BOSS ASS NOBODY BITCH. NOW I'M A PRE PUBESCENT LESBIAN?!

    Everyone: ... man Jaxx tell us how you really feel...

    Jaxx: I have to go through puberty again T_T

    Atticus: No joke. I'm not suited for the whole birds and the bees talk...... I'm a failure as a father! :O

    Roxanne: Yeah you're one to talk bitch! I was an actual demon. Now I'm just some wimpy demigod with a dimensionless hateful personality design.

    Kable: Damn Demigods. Who are you all talking to?

    Oryx; *Shrugs* Beats me, Lassie. But I'm in. I shall serenade you all with my beard while drinks are had and stories are told!

    Kable: ORYX YOU DRUNKEN OAF! That's not your beard it's my hair T_T

    Tess: GUYS! We are all getting off track.

    Merrick: This fuckery had a track to begin with?

    Ilda: SILENCE ALL OF YOU! I am the new chieftain of this thread.

    Lucius: You can't be the chieftain! Oath is in charge here.

    Ilda: I WILL RAPE OATH WITH THIS ICE PICK!

    Paige: O.0 I think it's best that we get on with the show now.....

    The Chaos: AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMEONE!?

    Gerik: It's okay I'm used to it. T_T

    Claire: Gerik stop whining and pay attention to me.

    The Chaos: No you fools me!

    Marcus: What even are you?

    The Chaos: Beats me. Some creature Hope shat into the plot to try to make things more interesting or some shit.

    Paige:.... Well that was interesting. Anyway ON WITH THE SHOW. Starting tomorrow. Oath is too lazy to write the first chapter until she sees what the response to this thread will be.

    (I hope I got everyone.)
     
  2. Taboo Sho

    Taboo Sho Arlert Staff Member Moderator Content Writer

    Woah. For the record JaXx, you'll always be a badass in Lilith's eyes.
     
    Hope likes this.
  3. Chainless

    Chainless Hero of the Wild

    Please keep this up. Loving it
     
  4. Legendseeker

    Legendseeker OPON Content Writer

    I have concerns with the fact of Oryx using Kable's hair to serenade all the women of the RP.
     
    Oath likes this.
  5. Oath

    Oath King Bitch™

    Book 1- Divine Fuckery: Chaotic Crap
    Chapter 1: A Rushed Prequel

    *IN THE PAST*

    "Oh noes! It's dark and I'm afraid of the dark!" the nameless man thought to himself in the dark darkness. "Wait am I? Who am I? WHAT AM I? WHAT IS LIFE!?" he struggled to break free of non existence for the people he cared about.....
    Voltair thought back at the random dream of darkness as he stood in his home looking around at his belongings. He looks down at the song he is writing about his own life
    "he's so lucky, he's a star
    But he cry, cry, cries in his lonely heart, thinking
    If there's nothing missing in my life
    Then why do these tears come at night"
    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjP94vHhofRAhXhwFQKHaw7BncQyCkIHTAA&url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VL1NF0hiYY&usg=AFQjCNG8YesrbPomvufCmlgM7YAXqfdljw&sig2=p5eUSfOrgTyhexbq9JdMDg

    _____________

    Meanwhile in another country:

    "My dad could beat up your dad!" a young boy taunted "Oh yeah well my dad could beat up YOUR dad!" a girl of a similar age retorted.
    The boy smirked "Want to ask them to find out for sure?"
    "Fine but don't pout when you're wrong again your highness."

    *Later*

    "MOM! I'm bringing an obvious possible teenage royalty love affair into the palace."

    "That's nice dear. Who is it?"

    "Nice to meet you your Majesty. I met your son in the city. We're trying to see if my dad could beat up your husband."

    "Well isn't that nice. But he's in a meeting right now so you'll have to wait until he comes downstairs."

    "Oh nuts." Young prince Gerik crosses his arms impatiently.

    ________ A few years in the future_______

    After a long morning of being a dick to her servants and having a super creepy conversation with her father, Jaxx was glad to arrive at the training ground where Lilith was already waiting. Jaxx sized up the massive older girl as she entered the training ground. Aside from finding it really strange that Lilith was already taller than most grown men at the age of thirteen, the girl didn't impress or intimidate Jaxx much. Mostly because she was so much shorter and had little man syndrome over it. Not that she would ever admit that to anyone.
    Right on cue, Lilith chimed right into friendly conversation the moment Jaxx stepped onto the grounds. "There you are! You are usually so punctual I thought you were hurt or dead or something. Plus I got bored waiting for you!" She pouted.
    Jaxx sighed "Lilith." she regarded the girl with an overly uncaring nod to hide her true pre pubescent feels. "You're implying that somehow I'm late. But the trainer is not here yet, nor is Marcus. I'm actually early too sooooooooooo..." she shrugged.
    Lilith giggled "I suppose you're right. I just got so excited to see you I couldn't wait. Maybe I got here earlier than I thought after all. Anyway do you want to duel? Nothing says I have a crush on you like bashing your head in with my bisento!" she brandished her father's weapon with pride.
    Jaxx sighed "Such a brutal romantic you are." she said in a condescending tone. Fortunately, Lilith was great at selective hearing to all things positive and missed the undertone. "Thanks I like to think so..." she blushed.
    Jaxx rolled her eyes "Astounding that my sarcasm can fly so high to go over even your head like that." she shrugged "Oh well. And to answer your question. No. I don't want to duel you unless it's absolutely necessary. You're not worth it."
    Lilith pouted "Oh come on grumpy. Don't make me have to taunt you into it."
    "There is nothing you could say that would make me want to-"
    "Why did your parents name you Jaxx? were they disappointed that you weren't a boy?"
    "You piece of shit!" Jaxx grabbed her sword and shot a bolt of lighting straight at Lilith. Who giggled and winked "You're so hot when you're mad." she jumped over the lightning bolt and rushed toward Jaxx with all her strength she brought down the bisento to 'crush' her crush. *puns :3*

    Suddenly Jaxx disappeared in a flash of lightning and appeared behind Lilith. Lilith turned just in time to freaking punch her freaking sword like a freaking bad ass. Holy shit that was cool. "You don't mind if I send some good vibrations into you through this sword do you?" she winked and Jaxx abandoned her weapon to avoid the quake magic to travel through the sword into her. Instead she pulled out a random ass knife and stabbed her flirtatious sword punching rival with a vengeance. Of course, Lilith treated being stabbed through the hand like being stung by a particularly annoying bee and carried on like the vicious thirteen year old warrior she really is. She then magically crossed the grounds to find a wall even though they were outdoors to stand next to and started clapping her hands together in a manner that straight up broke the air. She used debris from her claps to block off all exits to Jaxx was forced to take Lilith's powerful bursts of energy weather she wanted to or not.
    Jaxx knew she was toast. But she wasn't going to go down without a fight. She summoned a massive bolt of lightning to strike the area directly in between herself and Lilith and transformed herself into another bolt to travel up the bolt from the sky to safety. The result was a massive explosion of passion and fire. Lilith was thrown back along with mass amounts of dirt, debris, and the corpse of Lilith's pet hamster "Humphrey" that her father told her 'ran away' years ago but had actually died and been buried.

    Both young girls stood there panting as they observed the destruction that they had caused. "Holy fuck Jaxx that was mind blowing! Can you imagine the kind of badassery we could accomplish if we ever teamed up?"

    Jaxx looked grossed out "ew I don't want to team up with you. We're enemies and you're gross."

    Lilith shrugged "Both of those things might be true. But I...." she looked up at the sky "I want to end the death games. I want this world to be happy and for you to not think I'm gross. I, in my infinite thirteen year old wisdom think it is a great idea to end hundreds of years of tradition in favor of a single family monarchy. My dad thinks this is a great idea and he's calling a council meeting over it right now. To tell the council, who benefits from our fucked up government the way it is, that he plans on changing everything and naming me his successor. What could possibly go wrong...." going cross eyed...

    Jaxx raised an eyebrow "Really dude? You really don't see a flaw in anything you just said?"

    "Nope."

    Suddenly there was an explosion upstairs and Emperor Newgate went flying out the window followed by a trail of electric sparks. Both girls had to duck to avoid getting hit by the chunks of wall and window that fell down to the ground. "Told you!" Jaxx yelled as both of them ran into the building and Emperor Newgate got back up and Jumped back into the building.

    The two men fought valiantly but Atticus was victorious and killed Newgate. "Dad nuuuuuuuu." Lilith tried to run forward to hug her dad who was dying on the floor. "Dad! I must know before you die!...."
    "Bleh.... cough... what is it my child?" the dying emperor used much of his dying strength to use his last breaths on words of wisdom to his only child.
    "Ok.... Dad what REALLY happened to Humphrey?" tears ran down Lilith's face.
    "You squashed him in your hands with your man like strength..." cough bleh weeze "When you tried to cuddle him."
    "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Lilith cries. (Like this post if you crey ery tiem)

    _____

    Meanwhile Marcus just walked onto the training grounds to find it destroyed and no one there "Soooooooo..... now what?"

    _______

    Meanwhile in the scorching desert a random woman naps in the middle of the sand when suddenly vermin find her neck an attractive place to hide from the sun. She wakes to be overcome by the bright sunlight penetrating her vision and she turns her head away from the rays. The movement startles the scorpion and it stings her and runs away. In a gross overreaction and awesome display of power, the woman leaps to her feet and strikes at the scorpion by just flinging her arm and manages to hit it spot on without even looking. A powerful ray of light shoots from her hand with the power level of a bolt of lightning, evidenced by the sand being blown upwards and melted into a glass sculpture like structure. In the center of the glass was the ashen remains of the bastard scorpion. "That's what you get for harming my perfect skin you little shmuck." the woman mutters and suddenly becomes very dizzy. She reaches up to find the scorpion sting hurts her a lot more than she thought it had. she thought she saw a person walking toward her but as they got closer she realized it was actually a green alien like creature and also that it was dancing. In fact the sky was purple and the sand was suddenly pink.... The scorpion venom made her really high.
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
    Desert Warrior, Chainless and Hope like this.
  6. Oath

    Oath King Bitch™

    I attempted this first chapter differently than I did the originals. It's more of an actual story and less of a script. I might just go back to the original format though because it's more random that way. Anyway enjoy guys.
     
  7. Legendseeker

    Legendseeker OPON Content Writer

    The end of the chapter was truly captivating. The vocabulary challenged my mind in ways I coukd never have imagined.
     
    Hope likes this.
  8. Hope

    Hope Admin Staff Member Administrator

    I question the amount of innuendo you put into that Jaxx and Lilith fight considering how old they were during that particular scene D:

    P.s. I do cry ery tiem. :(:(
     
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  9. Desert Warrior

    Desert Warrior Well-Known Member

    I remember the old thread. Fun times. You were quite depressingly accurate with my character in the last one.
     
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  10. Legendseeker

    Legendseeker OPON Content Writer

    So, like, when are we getting chapter 2? Because my popcorn is starting to get stale and, quite frankly, that disappoints me.
     
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  11. Oath

    Oath King Bitch™

    @Hope Don't judge young love. Age is only a number in fiction!

    @Legendseeker I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION! :p

    To carry on...

    Paige: Hey guys! Whew that was some break. How was everyone's Christmas?

    Lilith: Well I spent it alone in a prison cell..... soooooooooo....

    Roxanne: Oh boo hoo does the princess need a tissue?

    Lilith: ... sniffs..... maybe. T_T

    Jaxx: Really Oath could have at least written a chapter that got her out of the cell before the holidays.

    Lilith: Awe are you standing up for me?

    Jaxx: *blush* N... no of course not we are mortal enemies! Angst and Hate and all that

    Lilith: If you say so. :rolleyes:

    Paige: ..... Can we please put the teenage hormones away now? How was everyone else's holidays?

    Ilda: There is no merriment in war! I will conquer you all!

    Paige..... Ugh why can't I just have normal friends. >.< Okay let's just move on. Narrator take it away

    Narrator: Ahem......

    So after the death of Lilith's daddykins and the hamster of destiny, Lilith was truly beside herself with rage and woman tears. So much so that she lost control of her little preteen mind and- more importantly- her powers. The city of Sax was torn a new asshole that day. Lilith, with the power of Heaven and Earth Shaker caused a quake so fierce it tore the city in half, killing hundreds of citizens. The quakes were so powerful, you would even feel it sitting in your outhouse on the other side of the gad damn planet! You would even feel it if you were not on the planet, but somewhere near it floating in the cosmos enjoying a spot of space tea while reading triggered tumblr posts of femartians. But that's beside the point.
    The point is, Lilith really did a number on the city of Sax and that was just Not okay with the new daddy-slaying emperor. Lilith was arrested and the rest of her family was put to death. Lilith was put in a prison cell. Dead to the general public, and slandered to those who did know of her survival, the child spent many years of torment and solitude under the watchful eye of Atticus the creep master and his daughter.
    Speaking of Atticus the creep master, he also heard news of a beautiful woman getting high off of Scorpion venom in the desert. You all know he can't resist a good drugged up potential wifey. He immediately sent out his strongest guards to apprehend the woman for the crime of being too sexy. Needless to say, his way of flirting was not taken well by the lovely maiden. Though Atticus was not sure why. Nothing spells romance like a mass of armed soldiers bent on your capture amirite. Anyway, the lady wasn't having none of that shit and she beat those guards to hell. But oh that Atticus! To him, mass soldier slaughter only made her that much more attractive. He sent more soldiers who did manage to capture her this time. After finding no reasons to actually arrest her, Atticus made up some bullshit story about how the people she lived with were criminals and he saved her life so now she owes him. For some reason, she bought this half assed excuse and agreed to stay in Sax to teach his daughter the arts of kung fu. Sax was quite pleased with her decision and treats her like a part of his fucked up family unit. He sure creeps her out though. Oh and the scorpion venom really messed with her head. She couldn't remember anything about her life but her name, miraculously. How nice.
    Voltair tried lots of things to ease his odd sense of estrangement in his city. Fought fiercer battles, dated hotter fan girls, even tried to get a pet hamster that he named Ritz. Unfortunately nothing was working so he packed up his life and moved to Mira in hopes of starting over. And that he did for a few more years. But the feeling just got worse. And to make things worse, apparently Atticus wasn't pleased with just kidnapping the desert girl. He wanted some gladiator kidnappin' too so the armed guards were sent out again, with not near as much luck. After a few of the armed advances, Voltair just got bored of hiding and murdering so eventually he just left the public eye entirely. He has spent a few years travelling the land in search of whatever it is he is missing, and also in search of the perfect cup of coffee which is a difficult feat in the ancient roman times.
    Marcus was no longer considered for ascension after the topple of the government. Instead, Atticus found other uses for the Amazon Prince. Still being a respected and fierce warrior, Atticus put the prince in charge of his armies against foreign invaders working closely with Lucius the general. I think.... Hope kind of glossed over that part but I think that's whats going on.

    Marcus: Soooooo.... are we just not going to address that that opening escalated VERY quickly to then go into such a long time skip?

    Ilda: The puny one is right. It does seem a bit rushed.

    Marcus: Puny? T_T I'm an amazon prince.

    Paige: Guys don't question the GM ever....... *fearful glance at Hope*

    Chaos: IF THERE IS FEAR TO BE HAD YOU SHOULD FEAR ME

    Kable: Seriously bro, relevancy... what is yours?

    Chaos: MWAHAHAHAHAHA

    Oryx: Back away slowly lassy.... this thing gives old Oryx the creeps.

    Narrator: Okay guys can we please get back to the story?

    Atticus: I don't know.... can we?

    Jaxx: *facepalm* I'm just going to go ahead and make this rule now. Actual father or no, the main antagonist is NOT allowed to make "dad Jokes" ever again.

    Atticus: THATS NOT WHAT YOUR MOM SAID.

    *Room goes silent due to the discomfort everyone feels at the terrible dad jokes*

    Nearby Cricket: I'd do the thing... but this shit is too awkward even for me. *packs bag and skips on out of there*

    Narrator: ..... ooooooookay well I'm just going to go ahead and get started with the chapter now. ahem

    *to be continued*
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
  12. Hope

    Hope Admin Staff Member Administrator

    You have shown a whole new dimension to the characters. 10/10 fan fiction writing
     
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  13. Desert Warrior

    Desert Warrior Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if I want to hear the answer to this, but does this mean Voltair also turned Atticus on with mass soldier slaughter?
     
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  14. Hope

    Hope Admin Staff Member Administrator

    And the plot thickens... ;)
     
    Legendseeker likes this.
  15. Oath

    Oath King Bitch™

    ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
     
  16. Hope

    Hope Admin Staff Member Administrator

    Oh dear. I think that's all the answer we need. :eek:
     
    Legendseeker likes this.
  17. Legendseeker

    Legendseeker OPON Content Writer

    I like where this is going.
     
  18. Oath

    Oath King Bitch™

    Paige: Ummm Heloooooo *Taps glass* Ms. Narrator lady did you die?

    Oath: *Snores*

    Paige: Hmmm..... *Kicks ribs with ferocity and then quickly makes way over to wall and casually leans against it reading book*

    Oath: AH! OUCH! *Panting* What the hell?!

    Paige: Oh hey you're awake, good.

    Oath: You know your book is upside down right?

    Paige: Oh.... woopsy. *Shrugs* Anyway, you going to get on with this story or what?

    Oath: Oh yeah about that.... *Liltte Promise shrieks in the background* ... sorry guys parenting is a lot of work.

    Roxanne: Forget the child. You have important work that needs to be done.

    Oath: Sigh.... Ahem... *Narrator voice* where did we leave off... oh yeah... So um there was some backstory about Gerik as a child being a prince and shit...

    Merrick: You already said that part.

    Oath: Oh... yeah... ok so then we're at Kable.

    Book 1- Divine Fuckery: Chaotic Crap
    Chapter 2: Awkward Visits

    A lone man sits on a stump looking at a camp fire. "Fire... soo pretty omygod what does it mean."

    A horse neighs impatiently at his high as fuck owner staring at the flames like he rediscovered the double rainbow.

    Kable's attention is ripped from the precious flames as he turns to face his horse "You're not a baby child horse. Feed your damn self."

    "Wow... thanks for being a dick." the horse speaks in fluent english and walks off to feed his damn self as instructed. Kable growls after him in spite and looks at his map. "Wow five years ago today the current emperor stabbed the old one like a dickhead and then the whole country was shook yo."

    A mumble was heard in response and the mercenary realized he had rudely forgotten to ungag what appeared to be an unwilling bondage slave. "Oh silly me." he gets up and walks over to the man "Man you're a wanny." he sighs, helping him up and removing his gag.

    "Dude you can't just leave me gagged like that it's really uncool. Also I have a wife and kids so if you could not hold me hostage anymore that would be great." the man wined as he usually did.

    "Look, don't try to trick me with your wife and kids bullshit. I've heard it all before. You're a dirty criminal and you deserve to be punished."

    "I will literally pay you to let me go."

    "No deal. Now quit bitching or I'll put the gag back on and you won't get to eat foods."

    "Dude get off your high horse we both work outside the law."

    "Uh uh. No. You did not." Kable picked up his knife and flung it at the bandit in vivid rage "I know you didn't just compare me to your lowlife bandit shit. I have morals. I only kill when someone pays me for that shit. You're over here like Wah wah let me go so I can go rape and murder strangers. No way dude. I'm going to take you to let our fucked up justice system deal with you while I go get paid to do literally the same thing. You got it!?" He steps on the bandits face because he's a macho man. Also for some reason the voices are telling him to kill the dude but the voices are always telling him to do weird shit so he normally ignores them.

    You're boring. You could feed him his own liver or something like that. But no you gotta be a goody two shoes. the voice in his head complained.

    ***********At the castle Sax************

    Jaxx was all grown up now and in the same training ground as before for the dramatic effect of the passing of time. She stood holding her sword, which was only slightly less ridiculously too big for her as she had grown. But she wasn't on her feet for long before Raven appeared out of nowhere and smacked the dumb right out of her.

    "Ow." the teen groans, rubbing her sore head.

    "Quit your bitching and get up. We're going to do it again until you get it right."

    "Is this because I told you to piss off when you tried to wake me up this morning?"

    "A little. Now get up." Raven kicks Jaxx while she's down for emphasis.

    Jaxx groans and stands up rather reluctantly. "This is child abuse, you know."

    "Oh I'm sorry are you still bitching? You know I don't hear that nonsense."

    "Ha, ha." Jaxx mocked her mentour only to be smacked down again. "Pay attention." Raven scolded.

    "I wasn't ready!"

    "Do you expect to be ready when the enemy is charging at you in battle?"

    "I'll shoot him down with a bolt. This is stupid."

    "What if your powers aren't working?"

    "Why the hell wouldn't my powers be working?"

    "Oh the foreshadowing...." Raven rolls her eyes.

    "What was that?" Jaxx looked puzzled.

    "Nothing. Catch this." Raven suddenly throws a book that Jaxx wasn't prepared to catch. It smacks the teen in the face and knocks her over.

    "DAMN IT RAVEN I WASN'T READY!"

    Raven sighed, bringing a and to her temples in annoyance that her pupil was still failing to grasp the point.

    Suddenly a random messenger showed up and bowed to Raven. "Stop bowing. What do you want?"

    "Oh... the emperor wants to see you Lady Raven. And Princess, you're late for your duties in the prison."

    Both young women appeared to be put out by the news. Raven sighs and hands the messenger a piece of candy for his hard work.

    "Shit dad is like totally going to take my cellphone now!" Jaxx groaned "Thanks a lot Raven." she runs off to do the job.

    "Remember to study that book I gave you." Raven called after the angsty teen in proper sensai fashion.

    "Yeah yeah I have the bruises on my head to remind me later!" Jaxx calls over her shoulder as she rounds the corner and is out of sight.

    "Whine whine..." Raven mumbles as she puts her sword away and makes her way to the throne room. To see what his royalness wants to waste her time with today....

    ****** Later *****

    "Good morning bitch!" Jaxx says in chipper tone as she enters Lilith's cell and walks up to her father's prize prisoner...

    Lilith, in proper Stockholm form, was elated by her captor entering her presence. She admired the girls smile even when being verbally abused. "Good morning my love. I remember when your dad stabbed mine like a dickhead. Anyway, how are you doing?"

    "Aw Lilith why do you have to hurt me with the past like that?" Jaxx pouted "Let it go, man. Chillzies and eat your breakfast." she puts a tray of food in front of the restrained Lilith, who kind of pokes at it with her toes considering Jaxx foolishly forgot to remove her hand restraints. Jaxx continues speaking, blissfully unaware of Lilith's struggle. "Anyway I don't want to talk about me." she dramatically throws her hand to the side and walks to the window.

    "How can I just forget about it and chillzies bro?" Lilith speaks as she gives up on eating breakfast with her feet for a moment. "My dad died five years ago today. Want to know how I know that? Your mean old guard came in here and sang 'neener neener your dad died five years ago.' It kind of hurt my feelings, ya know?"

    Jaxx sighs, and finally notices Liliths hands are still tied. She motions for a guard to undo Lilith's restraints "Come on people Do I have to hold your hands or every little thing? Common sense!" she slaps the mans forehead and has him walk away in shame. "Also go find the Officer Neener and tell him not to sing to the prisoners anymore. It's very rude." she calls after him, throwing a bolt of electricity at his bum to make him run away faster.

    Lilith clears her throat, "I just miss my dad. And I'm really starting to think it was kind of fucked up for me to kill a million people when he died. But like your dad just really mad me mad, ya know? It think its totally unfair that I've been like totally grounded for this long over that."

    "Well yeah but you still killed a bunch of people. Can you blame the guy for holding a little bit of a grudge?" Jaxx was a bit distracted by the massive hole in the middle of the city caused by the day Lilith discovered her great power. "My dad kills one dude and you rip the city a new asshole. Then sit here and tell me what's fair." Jaxx sighs "besides we are winning the war now so that's nice I guess."
    "Yeah but your dad is a dick so his sin is greater. you might be winning the war, but do you buy stuff from the merchants? You gotta think of the economy that shits important too yo." Lilith reminisces about the past "The merchants used to love when I would go shopping. I can tell you know I'm right. But lets not talk about that. Politics can't really hold my attention when all I do is stare at a brick wall all day. Just stay and talk with me today because I know as a monarch with a controlling as fu** father, you don't have anything more pressing to do today."

    "You know what? No bitch, your dad was a dick." Jaxx countered, as her teenage emotions suddenly caused her to lash out in anger at Lilith's words. "He wanted to change years of a somewhat fair government into a single family monarchy that would ensure his own posterity to the throne. Regardless of weather or not his own descendants are even good or fit to rule. Then he got all worked up when my dad was like, 'hey that might not be cool yo.' Yeah things got a little heated and maybe your dad died and that probably wasn't cool either. But like get off my case about it I am just really stressed right now. My teacher threw my homework at my head, bitch. Tell me how that's fair!" Jaxx growled all angsty like and then continued her rant.

    "And like yeah I do what I can for the economy but we have to do something about these immigrants that are killing and pillaging all over the east because they are really getting on my dads nerves. And when my dads on his nerves he is kind of a pain in the ass ok so I have to go kill them. And then build a wall to make Azureth great again!" he huffed, feeling a bit better for having gotten it all off her chest. She pushed her hair back away from her face. "Now finish your breakfast. I'll be back later, now you've just upset me."

    As Jaxx left the cell, she noticed Officer Neener had returned from his usual rounds. "You got my message?" the officer nodded sheepishly. "Yes, ma'am. I will refrain from singing. I just that it would help our prisoners moral if I reminded them why they are here in a fun upbeat way." he finished his sentence with hesitant jazz hands. Which was met with Jaxx's palm coming in contact with her face "Of course." she sarcastically added "Anyway take her for a walk like a dog later and put her cuffs back on when she's finished eating, okay?"

    "Yes Ma'am!"

    "And don't call me ma'am! I didn't age backwards by about 50 years for this setting just for people to start calling me ma'am."

    "I'm sorry, miss... what the neener are you going on about?" the guard calls after the teenage monarch, but she was already gone.

    As soon as she was out of ear shot, the guard's face was crossed with a sinister expression. He entered the cell "Now, newgate brat, where did we leave off."

    Lilith pouts "This again..."

    The guard smiles "Yes. Every day.... NEENER NEENER YOUR DAD IS A DEAD DUDE AND YOU KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SO NOW YOU"RE HERE WITH US. NEENER NEENER YOUR SAD TODAY BUT ITS OKAY BECAUSE YOU'LL PROBABLY BE FREE ONE DAY MAYBE BUT ITS NOT LIKELY BECAUSE OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM IS KIND OF FUCKED AND ALLOWED FOR A CHILD TO BE INCARCERATED WITHOUT FAIR TRIAL. NEENER NEENER THE WORLD THINKS YOUR DEAD BUT THATS OK BECAUSE NOW YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY TAXES.

    Lilith bangs head against the wall... "I... want... to... die"

    ******* Meanwhile in the throne room *******

    Atticus was roused from staring at the peasant folk far below by a knock at the entrance of the room. "Enter."

    "What the hell do you want?"

    Atticus recognized that alluring voice anywhere. And of course she was prompt as usual. "Raven." he turned to address her by name like a suave gentleman would. "How was training this morning?"

    "Your daughter fails to understand simple attention to detail and is kind of a dim wit considering she let me throw a history book right at her face..." Raven cleared her throat to compose her thoughts more politely. "I decided we should take things more slowly so starting now we're going back to basics... like catching and being ready for shit to happen."

    Atticus raised an eyebrow "She's a demigod. She can just shock the bajeebus out anyone who gives her a mild annoyance. You're here to train her to be a killing machine, not catch a book."

    Raven sighs, "Why are you people so dense."

    Slightly hurt by Raven's attitude, Atticus decided arguing was not going to get him anywhere closer to getting in her pants. So he decided to simply go with it. "Yeah, you right. You right. You do you girl. Keep smashing my daughter in the face with whatever you see fit."

    Raven was a bit stunned "thanks... I guess?" to ease the weirdly uncomfortable silence, she decided to change the subject "Anyway, what about your end of the deal. Have you still been searching for-"

    "-Yeah yeah your family. No, we haven't found anything. Sucks huh? We've been working really hard guess you're stuck with us for now."

    "... Umm so here's the thing. I've been here for five years with like... literally no results. And your daughter really doesn't need me to sit here and hold her hand all the time. So thanks for all your 'help' but I think I'd be better off looking on my own."

    "No that's a terrible idea!"

    "Um... why?"

    "Because of the war and stuff. Yeah. It's dangerous you have to stay here."

    Raven sighed "You're being silly. I'm gonna go now. Good luck. I'll be back in a month to keep training your worthless child."

    "Raven! I command you to stay here."

    Raven stops, turns on her heel to face the emperor once more "Excuse me. I don't think I heard you right. You dare to repeat that shit?"

    Suddenly nervous, Atticus backtracks "Look, all I'm saying is maybe the answers you seek aren't worth finding. I mean technically you were abandoned in the desert, kidnapped by heathenish savage people that would do you harm. Maybe you forgot on purpose because your family was like really really embarrassing and you just couldn't deal with it, ya know? Maybe you have a long poorly written origin about you being a glorified babysitter that hated flying and had a weird boyfriend who liked to break the fourth wall... just saying it could be better forgotten."

    Seeing the really confused look on her face, Atticus smiled. He had struck a nerve.

    Annoyed by his rant, Raven asked "So what do you want?"

    "How about I give you your month to search for whatever it is you lost. But if you don't find them, you come back here and marry me."

    Raven frowned, "Excuse me? You're old as dirt and kind of weird so nah I think I'll pass on that."

    "Yeah. but I'm the emperor and I can make your life a living hell if you don't give in to my demands. Plus you really have nowhere else to go if you can't find your past and you secretly worry my terrible parenting is ruining my daughter, the one person you don't hate completely. And you subconsciously think you can change her life if you had more say in her upbringing. So it's pretty much a win win."

    "You're crazy."

    "See you in a month future wifey."

    "Yeah that's not happening. And I'm leaving now so... bye." Raven turns and leaves the room.

    yeah... she'll think about it. Atticus thinks to himself and then turns to his assistant "Go get Lucius. I need to talk about manly things."

    "So do you mean many things?"

    "That too!"

    **************


    Oath: That's all for now because I have other things to do with my life than tell stories to entertain the masses.

    Jaxx: Like what? we know you have literally no life.

    Oath: I'm busy okay? God...

    Voltair: Don't bring up those bastards they came to my property and kicked my dog.

    Marcus: NOT YOUR DOGO!

    Voltair: I know... it's tragic. Now my dog needs an operation.

    Raven: You never actually saw the gods kick your dog. -_-

    Voltair: Goooooooooods *eyes narrowed in furious condemning of his true enemy, the neighbors who are gods.*

    Oryx: Aye Lassy maybe you should just get along with them and sing them songs and hit them with your axe in the true spirit of friendship.

    Ilda: Nah screw that. You must crush your enemies in fire and ice!

    Tess: Or you could just take your family and run away.

    Merrick: No we have to do what the hot lady says first.

    Tess: Damn it Merrick this captain save a hoe shit is going to get us killed.

    Raven: Who are you calling a hoe?

    Paige: Can we all just be friends?

    Oath: I know this chapter is crap. That's the point so I don't want to hear any complaining. You people asked for it. The next chapter we delve into the psychology of a wandering gladiator and also go over the 'meeting' between atticus and lucious. See ya then.
     
  19. Hope

    Hope Admin Staff Member Administrator

    I love how you've pretty much nailed Ravens whole attitude about the people around her
     
  20. Legendseeker

    Legendseeker OPON Content Writer

    I'm gonna start a trending topic. #CrapChap3
     
    Oath and Taboo Sho like this.

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