Letters to Leonardo Christophe Butcher

If these are honest thoughts of yourself, I suggest you going to a therapist, a councelor, checking into a mental hospital. Something, this isn't normal.

 

Dawn, if you wish for him to be helped then don't leave it in the hands of others. Who better to understand a friends heart than another friend? An objective person who has never even met you can hardly attempt to understand you. Therapists, mental hospitals, and other related things are a joke. When I had depression with thoughts of suicide it wasn't a shrink that helped me, but a teacher and friend.

Since I to am a writer I hope know one minds if I post something myself. A letter, if you will, from not to long ago about when I saw the light again after 5 and a half years of depression, sadness, and solitude. The one I am writing to is my mental guide through life, Sepherious. Some of you may have seen him pop up in roleplays I have been in. He is as real to me as any other being, be it human or animal. He is not so much another personality, but more another person of my creating. He represents the deeper thoughts that I hold within me. The devils advocate of my thoughts and emotions. When I am happy, he questions that. When I am unhappy, he questions that also. He helps me maintain a balance until I can find my own way back to the path of light.



Dear Sepherious,

It has been a while my friend. A while since we have spoken to each other. I have felt a coldness within me that I have never noticed before. Were did it start? Thats the only thought that plagues my mind. It has been four full years since I contemplated the end of my life. Perhaps then?

At that time I was just a junior higher. The only thing I had to look forward to every day was more cuts in my heart. Not from knives or irons, but from words. People fail to realize just how powerful words are. When someone calls you something once it is easy to ignore. But when you get the same message from multiple people over and over, you begin to wonder about yourself. That solid path that you stood on for so long is no longer solid. The part of me that holds my purpose lost its way, and I fell. There is no telling how long I was falling, but my life had virtually ended. My lungs took in breath, and my heart still beat, but those were the only things that separated me from life, and true death. No one seems to realize that when you become empty inside, it is the same as being dead.

I made plans, and had thoughts, and even dreamed of all kinds of ways to end my foolish hearts beat, and my lungs breath. Perhaps the pills that lie on the counter? Or maybe my dads various rifles and shot guns? I had once heard that drowning was actually a quick and peaceful way to die. 2 breaths of water would knock you out, and 5 would stop your breath altogether. For months this went on, but some part of me felt that I wasn't ready to go yet. Everyone deserves a second chance, so why not me?

In school I was told to keep a journal of day to day events. I knew that only a few were read daily, and that some times none were read it all, or were simply glanced at to make sure they were done. So here was what I would do. I would write a cry, a plea if you will, for help. I would state my intentions, and reasons. If my journal was not picked that day, or if no help came the next day, I would end myself that week. But, if it was picked and answered, then I would go on. Out of some luck, chance, or even gods doing, mine was picked. The next day my teacher called me to her office, and asked me questions about how I was doing and why I felt the way I did. I told her everything, and the next day 1 student was expelled from our school, and another was brought before the entire class of 18 or 19 students and told to state what he had done, and why he was in the wrong. Humiliation in front of the class, some thing that would have made me happy, didn't even make me twitch. For the rest of the year he was shunned instead.

So was it at this time that the coldness started? Or later?

I remember when i first when into highschool. My junior high small class was suddenly surrounded by a mass of over 500 students. It didn't take long for the cutting words to start again, but over the summer before that I had managed to recover enough to feel disgusted with myself over my own weakness. I had sworn to never be pushed to the point of suicide ever again.

The crush of words was relentless. I had managed to find myself a few friends, but always felt distant from them. Even Haresuno*, a man I would soon trust my own life to, didn't seem to understand me completely. However, I could never go back to that suicidal place that my heart had taken me to. However, the words were to many, and to loud for me to just ignore.

So it must have been then when my heart became completely cold, hard as ice. Its many scars and avenues nothing but a frozen tundra with little or no emotion in it. On the surface I pretended to feel, and act with emotions, but in my thoughts I was nothing more than an observer as life went on.

I had a few relationships in high school, though non really ended well. This did not surprise me, for at that time I was barely capable of love in the first place. I did my best, and got on through life. However, when Haresuno moved to the town of lodi, I recieved a message that would change my life forever, though at the time I didn't know it. It simply said that he had met a writing friend, and thought I would get along well with her. He ran a local anime club that I attended once in a while, so we arranged a meet between her and I at this club.

When I showed up, it was incredible. At the time I didn't even know her, and was pushed across the room by Haresuno, sat in a chair right next to a young woman of 18 or so with red curly hair, and introduced to her as Ninami*. It felt strange, sitting next to her. The room became hot, and I couldn't even listen to anything else in the room. For the first time in a long time, my heart stirred.

After club ended, some of us met in a nearby chinese restaurant and had tea together. On the way there Ninami and I talked about each others writings, and found that we had a lot more things in common than just writing. My heart warmed even more, and we began emailing each other constantly.

I don't know when it happened, but we fell for each other deeply and completely. And without my realizing it, my heart thawed out completely as well. Nothing existed of the cold icy shell, and at first I was mad at her for destroying my only means of protection. However, the anger was swept away. Around her was a pure aura of light that out shined my darkness. It still rests there today, but it no longer controls my life.

And so my friend we have come to the present moment. My life has ended, this is true, but a new one has been sparked in its place. Niamis love brought me back from 5 years of death, and I thank her for that. For all that time you stayed with me and helped me hang in there, I thank you.

Until next time we meet, I remain your friend and ally,

Zerieth*


The * are were I used the screen names of the people I was talking about, so I can avoid breaking confidentiality. If you want there real names ask them.

I can't believe I wrote so much, though I do know that keeping these experiences to myself is selfish when they can be used to help others.

Leo, if this helps you then great. If it doesn't, hang in there. You will eventually find your life again, be it from your own thoughts, or by anothers love. Your lustful thoughts are something a lot of men have simply because our animal natures lead us to reproduce. It happens to me, happens to my friends, and happens to you. The greed will go away if you eventually reach a point were you ask yourself, "What is that I really, truly want?" Greed stems from not knowing what it is you want in life, but I can tell you that I have faith you will find this answer. The negativity need not last forever, if you only give yourself a second chance. Stop, take a breath, and take time to reflect on what it is you are, what purpose you may have, and what you really truly want from your life. Time is short for us humans, so we must all strive to find what we want to do in that time limit. When life ends that's it. No redo's, no extra lives, no nothing. We are brought before the gate keeper of heaven and hell and judged by what we accomplished in our lives. I can see that your time for judgement hasn't come yet, so stay with us there. You have friends all over this site, and you will make friends in real life. Concur your darkness, because the war has just begun. The war for your heart.

 

Your welcome. I hope these helped.

And sadness aside, i think your writing is very interesting.