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Kingdom Hearts: Lost in the Dark

Discussion in 'Traditional' started by xxxJRosesxxx, Dec 28, 2012.

  1. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    Chapter Four: Into Darkness

    Aiko sat pretzel style on the living room floor beside her dad as they dwiddled pieces of wood together over the coffee table. They’d been doing this every evening since she was small, no matter how tired her dad was from a long day’s work. Kairi never had much interest in the activity, she was more into crafting jewelry and charms.

    “What did you do today kiddo?” asked her dad, as he carved a tiny swordfish.

    “Mostly hung out with Sora and Riku,” she replied, smiling.

    He looked over his shoulder, Kairi was helping mom prepare dinner and they both were too distracted to pay attention to Aiko and dad.

    “Kick any butts with Riku and Sora?”

    She drew a clever grin across her face, and a light twinkled in her eye as she reminisced of defeating Wakka, Selphie, and Tidus alongside Sora. That was the first time she’d beat anyone in a duel before, and with another person too. Shamelessly she stood up straight with a sense of pride, before indulging her dad with the details of her victory.

    “You should have seen Selphie after I tied her up like captured game!”

    He burst out with a hardy laugh and smacked his knee, catching the attention of Kairi and his wife.

    “What are you laughing so hard about?”

    “Oh nothing dear, just telling Aiko about this real tough catch today.”

    “Well dinner is ready, you two go wash your hands.”

    They got up from their spots and headed to the bathroom, with Aiko’s dad affectionately rubbing the top of her head in approval of her rebellious behavior.


    The time was shortly after dinner; Aiko and Kairi were cleaning up the dishes and their parents had just gone off to their bedroom. They silently went about their task until Kairi 's eyes looked out the kithen window and her eyes widened.

    "Aiko..."

    "Yeah?" she asked, her attention on scrubbing a fork.

    "Look outside!"

    She looked up through the window above the sink; a storm cloud hovered over their island. It was already thundering and boltin with lightening as it spread rapidly toward the main island, the clouds' colors unnaturally black and volet.

    "The raft! is out in the open!" said Aiko.

    "Stay here, I'll go!" said Kairi, putting down the plate she was drying and headed for the front door.

    "I'm coming with you." Aiko said, following her.

    "No you'd be in more trouble than me."

    "Kairi..."

    "I'll be back before Mom and Dad know I'm gone, just tell them I already went to bed. Don't worry!" she said, waving with a smile before running out the door.

    Aiko sighed and then continued with the last of the dishes; luckily neither of their parents came back out into the kitchen. She figured they too went to bed early. When she finished the last dish, she headed to her room to get ready for sleep herself. But just as she walked past her parents' room and was about to enter her own room, a loud crash of shattering glass echoed into the hallway. She paused and turned back in concern for what mayhave happened.

    "Mom? Dad?" she called

    "Aiko!!!" shouted her Mom.

    She ran back down the hall to their bedroom, swinging the door open. Her mom was lying on the floor facing her, liked she'd fallen while trying to get to the door. But her Dad wasn't anywhere to be seen, but there were two shadow like creatures with beady glowing eyes.

    "Aiko run!"

    Suddenly her mom disappeared like rapidly evaporating water into the air, with her heart floating for a moment before also disappearing.

    "Mommy!" screamed Aiko.

    A third creature sprang up from where her mom had been and leaped at her, the other two creatures also coming at her. She slammed the door closed and bolted through the house to outside. But out there the storm was ravaging the island and swarming with the same shadow like creatures.

    "Someone help!" she screamed, still running from the creatures chasing her.

    She headed for the docks hoping that maybe they couldn't reach her on the water. Kairi, Riku, and Sora's boats were all gone, so out of desperation she stole a random boat and rowed out into the sea, heading for the small island. She didn't bother to pace herself as her arms frantically rowed and burned; her eyes didn't dare look back to see if those things were still chasing her. When she made it halfway there she could see Riku and Sora on the island from the distance and for a minute stopped rowing to call out to them.

    "Sora! Riku!"

    Her shouts couldn't pierce the distance or the overpowering whistl of the winde. She started rowing again, but froze when she looked down at the ocean. The waters were completely black and there were more creatures swimming into it around her boat in a whirlpool of thosebeady yellow eyes. She tried to row through them uselessly, as the oar she used seemed to go right through them without harm.

    One of the creatures suddenly broke a hole in the boat, Aiko tried to scope the water out with her hands as it started to fill the boat. Before the water sank the boat completely she looked back at the island hoping maybe Riku or Sora had seen her. But they were out of sight. The ocean and water debris began getting sucked into the air. Looking up she saw a gigantic dark orb in the sky hovering over the island, where all the debris was being sucked into it making it grow larger. She suddenly could feel herself being lifted into the air out of her sinking boat, as the wind carried her faster toward the orb she let out a scream.

    "Ahhhhhh!!!!!"

     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2013
  2. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    I like the relationship between Aiko and her dad. You can really see how close they are.

    I also like how outside of the main action Aiko is here in this second half. She doesn't overstep her bounds (and drift into Suedom). Because I think it would have been easy to write her running up to Sora and Riku, for instance, and trying to impact what happens in the game, and I'm glad that Riku and Sora didn't even notice her here. I'm rather hoping this fic continues on in this way- that we get to see new things that Aiko experiences, rather than her tagging along after one of the other characters and getting in the way.

    There are still sentences that sound awkward, such as this one:

    so just continue to keep an eye out for that.
     
  3. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    I the original draft Aiko's relationship with her dad was never addressed, he was just kind of there.I knew I needed to show the relationship in contrast to Aiko's relationship with her mom. I'm glad you like it!

    I do actually plan to keep Aiko away from as much of the canon action as possible, and have her go on her own physical and spiritual journey that will eventually meet Sora and Riku's but gradually. Maybe have her be in one or two of the same worlds as Sora, like Travese Town and Hollow Bastion obviously. Afterall there are plenty of other Disney worlds to explore!
     
  4. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    Had a problem with this. I was thinking "Shortly after dinner" or "After dinner" or even "After everyone finished dinner". Otherwise, I am like Kitty. It is great to know that Aiko did not change anything of what happens with Sora and Riku.
     
  5. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    ^ I agree with Summoner about that line, too. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to read the chapter aloud and hear how it sounds? Sometimes things look right when written down, and it's easier to know if they feel a little unnatural if you hear it.

    Also,
    should probably be "whistle of the wind", unless you're going for an old English sort of vibe. XD

    Lastly, this line bothers me a little. I don't have a problem with cussing, in fics or real life, but with no use of any swears previously, it feels a little out of place. Especially given that the canon material has a sort of wholesome vibe to it for the most part.

    That is good to hear. A lot of times authors put their OCs right in the middle of the action, and try to force them into the main character slot, and I don't think that works very well, most of the time. And then we see why so many people (myself included) think twice about reading a fic when we see an original character.
     
  6. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    Chapter Five: Castle out of a Fairytale

    Far from Destiny Islands, there was a world where animals spoke and walked on their hind legs. A huge town blissfully unaware of the dangers beyond their world, but residing in the grand castle the monarchy knew far more than their humble subjects. Within the castle garden a young man that resembled a black floppy eared dog was striding angrily without a real direction to go. Behind him followed another dog like boy wearing sunglasses and had an orange Mohawk.

    "Yo Max what's wrong?" he hallowed, as his hand clasped his friend's shoulder.

    "My dad is gone," he replied, stopping in his tracks with his frustrated gaze on the ground.

    "Oh I'm sure he's not far, probably lost again."

    "Bobby..." he said, pausing to turn to look him in the eye,"he's gone."

    Max handed Bobby a piece of paper with word scribbled on it...


    Dear Maxy,

    Me and Donald are off on an important mission, so be a good boy while I'm gone!

    Love, Dad



    "What's the big deal, he let you know he was leaving?"

    "Dad has never left in such a hurry that he couldn't tell me himself, and when was the last time someone left like this?" he said, in a firm tone.

    Bobby's eyebrows raised and his mouth dropped open like he'd just been struck by a revelation, he couldn't find any words to reply.

    "You see, and not even the Queen will tell me any-"

    He stopped himself as he heard a bustle in the bushes a few feet away, and signaled Bobby to keep quiet as he went over to investigate. As he slowly came around the corner his eyes grew wide; lying among the flowers was a strange looking girl. Her eyes were barely open and she seemed disoriented as tried to sit herself up but flopped back on her back. Max kneeled down over her, checking her vital signs as she stared up at him confused but unable to really focus her eyes.

    "Who are you?" he asked,

    "Aiko..." she mumbled.

    Before he could ask her anything else her eyes shut as she became unconscious. He gently scooped her up into his arms and stood up, coming back into Bobby's view.

    "Whoa, who's that?"

    "Her name is Aiko, we need to find the Queen now." he said, carrying her past Bobby out of the garden.

    Bobby just stood there dumbfounded and unsure of what to do. Max carried Aiko all the way to the castle library, where Queen Minnie Mouse was sitting at a desk reading a letter and her ears perked up as Max came bursting in.

    "Max?! What are you-"

    "We need to talk your majesty." he said.



    The Queen had Aiko placed into a bed-chamber, where the Queen sat beside her best friend Lady Daisy Duck and Max sat on the other side of the bed waiting for Aiko to awaken. But there was an unsettle tension in the air, Lady Daisy particularly gave Max very disapproving stares.

    "She's from another world isn't she." said Max, looking down at the sleeping Aiko.

    "Who told you about other worlds!?" snapped Lady Daisy,her white feathers beginning to ruffle.

    "Daisy please, we must handle this calmly." said the Queen, taking her friend's hand.

    The lady in waiting took a deep breath before and straightened her back like a proper aristocrat.

    "Now Max, please tell me how long you've known about other worlds." said the Queen, in an elegant and sweet tone of voice.

    "Since I was twelve, dad let it slip by mistake."

    "I see, well I can't keep the truth from you any longer then. Yes, this girl is from another world but I don't know where specifically. We'll have to ask her that when she wakes."

    "Dad and Donald are in this world anymore either?" he asked, though he already knew the answer to this too.

    "Yes, they're on a special mission for the King. But that is all I can tell you."

    Max stopped asking questions, he knew there was more going on and it may even involve Aiko in some way. It was just too much of a coincidence that she appeared so soon after his dad left on this "special mission". But though he didn't have any more questions, he wouldn't stop looking for the answers one way or another. Maybe Aiko could help him?

    Aiko murmured in her sleep and rolled over on her side, her eyes slowly opened, and then blink at the sight of Max. At first she sat up in a panic, afraid of the alien looking creatures before her.

    "Shhhh, it's ok Aiko. You're safe, remember me? I found you." said Max, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

    She eased a little, but she stayed a bit stiff as she was understandably unsure if she should trust him or her eyes for that matter. The Queen placed her hand on the be, also trying to reassure Aiko that she was in a safe place.

    "Hello dear, can you tell us where you came from?"

    "D-destiny Islands, w-where am I?"

    "You're in a different world, this place called Disney Town." explained the Queen.

    Queen Minnie eyes flickered when she noticed Aiko's tiny key hanging around her neck, and her fingers grazed a near identical key around her own neck. She said nothing about it to Aiko, it wasn't the proper time to bring it up.But Max saw Minnie and Aiko's keys too, which he'd also would search the answer for.

    "I-is there anyone else? H-how did I get here?" Aiko asked, holding her hands tightly.

    Minnie's gaze fell to the blanket and gave a solemn sigh before answering Aiko's question.

    "Aiko, I'm sorry..."

    The Queen didn't need to finish, Aiko's mind had already put the pieces of the nightmare together as her throat started swelling and her eyes watering. The memory of watching her mother fade away and have a monster pounce at her came flooding as fast as her tears.

    "I ran away, I ran away!" she cried,covering her face.

    Max hesitated, but his compassion couldn't hold him back and he wrapped one arm around her so she could cry into his sleeve.


    Author's Note

    So the original version of this chapter was almost completely different, I didn't come up with the idea of placing Max from Goof Troop and A Goofy Movie until a couple weeks ago. Usually I write down a rough draft and then type it out, but this is the first time I've just posted right out of my head. I'll go over this chapter again tomorrow and fix any mistakes I made.

    So, I'd though we'd play a guessing game! What significance do you think Max will play in the story?


     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2013
  7. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    Well, I like the idea of seeing more of Disney Castle this early on (it was disappointing to me when we couldn't go there in KH I). It's an interesting (and relatively safe) place for Aiko to turn up. I can't say I'm familiar much with Goof Troop or A Goofy Movie. Neither titles were after my time, exactly, but they weren't quite to my interest. But I do find it interesting to have Max brought in, who I'd guess will end up as the Goofy to Aiko's Sora, or something, I don't know.

    I know I keep harping on it, but there is still that awkward grammar. And the first paragraph in particular jumps out to me as doing more telling than showing, which is also something to watch out for.
     
  8. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    I'll comment on Chapters Two and Three since I just read those.

    Chapter 2 was pretty well written. I think the flashback of how Aiko and Kairi arrived on DI; needed work. Maybe it was the format because even though Aiko thought of that day. I didn't know that it was initiating a flashback. Maybe a change in format on the flashback or a better description. 'Aiko thought back on that very day' something very specific not generic. Or better yet, let the experience be told by Aiko's point of view. I think that would help her development the most. Eh. Just tossing ideas.

    Chapter 3 I think that since the chapter is called Troubling Nightmare. The nightmare should have been really good. I can't honestly say what's wrong but it wasn't thrilling. It didn't have the wording or the feeling that you're exactly there. After she wakes up, I feel that you could put some comedy there. The fighting scenes were just as dull. I think that your writing should change when your describing the battle of Sora & Aiko VS Wakka, Sephie, and Tidus.

    I didn't comment on spelling this time! :p
     

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