• Square Elite
  1. If you are having trouble logging in, check the box, "stay logged in" to fix the issue. Thanks! —KHP Staff
  2. Hi Guest, you may have noticed that we aren't khplanet.com anymore. For more information on why these changes are happening, check out our thread, Site Re-Brand Updates

Kingdom Hearts: Lost in the Dark

Discussion in 'Traditional' started by xxxJRosesxxx, Dec 28, 2012.

  1. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    Chapter One: Colorful Children


    Kairi impatiently paced about the entrance of her home twiddling her little star charm in her fingers, keeping an eye on the sun's position in the sky. She was supposed to have been at the small island to meet with her friends earlier that same morning, it was already half past noon. Kairi didn't mind being a little late, but several hours was ridiculous. She cracked open the front door to her house and stuck her head inside.

    "Can we go now Mom?" she called.

    "Yeah it's fine, but be back before dark and keep an eye on your sister! Go on Aiko, try not to stress yourself too much!"

    Aiko came out of their home a few moments later carrying a sack over her shoulder. She'd been sick the day before, and though her fever had been finite since last night thier mom wouldn't let her go out until she thought for sure she'd made a full recovery.

    "You could have gone without me you know, I would've caught up with you."

    "You're kidding, Mom wouldn't let me leave you behind and we would've been able to leave sooner if you didn't take forever with your hair." said Kairi, undoing one of Aiko's blonde pigtails.

    "Kairi! It took forever for me to braid them right!"

    "Why? You want to look nice for Riku?" Kairi teased.

    "Shut up, I don't like him that way!"

    "Oh you're too easy to tease!" laughed Kairi.

    The two went on their way to the boating docks, chattering away at each other about silly trivial things while waving to the neighbors through the road. The town fishermen have already left early that morning, so the docks were mostly empty. Their boat was placed alongside many other identical boats at the front section of the docks, though Kairi had drawn a star on that side of their boat. Kairi got hold of the oars while Aiko pushed the boat out before jumping in herself. Once they were a fair distance from the home island they began talking about their plans to sail away from Destiny Island's with their friends.

    "I bet Riku has already gotten a bunch of the raft finished by now," said Aiko.

    "Yeah probably," said, Kairi, shrugging with indifference.

    Their friend Riku was naturally stronger than them and on top of that he worked almost effortlessly to keep it that way.

    "Yeah well I would have been out working on the raft early too if you'd remembered to set the alarm!" declared Aiko.

    "Don't blame me! If you care so much set the alarm yourself!"

    Aiko stubbornly got quiet about them sleeping in, not willing to admit she was wrong though she knew better. Out of boredom she opened the sack she'd brought, pulling out her wooden sword, dipping the tip in the ocean water watching the ripples it made scurry behind it as the boat moved along.

    "Mom would freak if she knew you'd made one for yourself, you know how much she hates fighting." said Kairi, seeming to have put behind their previous argument.

    "No, she hates the idea of me fighting. She wouldn't care if you played with wooden swords."

    "Yes she would, you think too harshly about Mom."

    "Whatever Kairi, not that you could fight with the miniskirts you always wear."

    "Maybe you'd do better in school without that stupid sword."

    Angrily Aiko splashed water at Kairi's face, who cried out and covered her face with her hands.

    " Aiko! You got salt water in my eyes!"

    Suddenly Aiko regretted splashing water at Kairi, having not meant to hurt her, and quickly took out a rag from the sack to wipe her eyes.

    "I'm sorry Kairi, really I am" she said, leaning over to wipe Kairi's eyes.

    But before she could aid her sister, that same sister pushed her into the ocean water. Aiko's head surfaced and angrily glared at Kairi, who was laughing hysterically until the boat was flipped over. They had a splashing match that started as a fight but became a game. Eventually they stopped; together they flipped the boat back over and helped each other get back in. They took off their clothes to wring out so they were in their bathing suits.

    "...Kairi?" said Aiko, she twisted her green army vest over the water .

    "Yeah?" she replied, as she tussled her auburn hair.

    "I'm sorry about what I said."

    Her hazel eyes meeting Kairi's blue eyes, to silently communicate that she meant what she was saying and Kairi gave her a smile of forgiveness.

    "It's ok, I'm sorry too."

    Neither of them spoke for the rest of the way to the island. When they arrived Sora was asleep on the shore, with his spiky brown hair ruffled up with sand. Kairi walked over to Sora, while Aiko went her way to the opposite side of the island where the raft was being built, jumping up a wall into a small crawl space through to a ledge on the other side. She could see the raft through the coconut trees and how much was already finished. From the ledge she jumped to the next ledge that flowed down into a hill to the sand below. But Riku wasn't there.

    Back on the other side of the island Riku was racing Sora with Kairi laughing as she ran behind them. Sora looked dead ahead trying to get ahead, but Riku smiled back at him knowing he wouldn't catch up in time. So Riku won the race to the door that led to the other side of the island.

    "Ugh, the score is one to zero," Sora sighed.

    "You started keeping score?" said Riku.

    "Yeah why?"

    "It's just stupid is all, anyway I'm done doing all the work on the raft. Where's Aiko? Did she have to stay home again?"

    "She had a fever this morning that's why we were late, but she's fine now. I think she went to go check out the raft. You want me to go get her?"

    "No she knows how to find us. Here's a list of what we need left for the raft." He said, handing her a small piece of paper.

    He went on his way leaving Sora and Kairi with the rest of the work to be done on the raft; behind them there was a knock on the door.

    "Anyone there? The door is locked." called Aiko from the other side.

    Kairi took out her copy of the lock key and unlocked the door for her sister.

    "You're lucky we were here or you'd have to go all the way back to the tunnel. Where is your key?"

    "I left it at home; I was in a hurry to get out. Where's Riku?"

    "Right there on his way to the papou tree, while he left us to work on the rest of the raft." said Sora, pointing to Riku a few feet away from them.

    "I'll be right back," she said, following Riku.

    "Hey wait up Riku!"

    "You got back pretty quick."

    "When you weren't at the raft I figured you were already with Sora and Kairi. You've done a good job on it."

    "I know. Did you bring your sword to train today?"

    Riku had been training Aiko how to fight for the past year, after embarrassingly challengng anf then losing a fight with him she harassed him into being her teacher. She was yet to win a fight but had improved tremendously in her skills, a bit healthier too, and she was proud of that.

    "Yeah, I'm all ready to go today."

    "Good, but don't think I'll go easy on you just because you were sick."

    "I don't want anyone going easy on me."

    "Then get your heart rate up racing me."

    Riku took off running with Aiko racing after him. He jumped up from beneath the bridge that led to the papou tree, grabbing the edge and pulling himself up. Aiko tried to do the same but had to jump up a few times to reach the bridge and her arms struggled to pull herself up. She could have gone around through the small cabin and up the steps to the bridge, but she wanted to be able to do what Riku did. Her legs kicked in the air uselessly while her arms trembled, but she managed to bring herself up the ledge stumbling a bit once she was on her feet again before running to Riku. He had gotten to the tree already, while Aiko tried to catch her breath beside him.

    "It's been too long since you've run if you're seriously out of breath from that."

    Ayako drew her sword and attacked him trying to catch him by surprise, he dodged her swing by jumping backward.

    "So you're not out of breath," he remarked, drawing his sword.

    He jumped out in the air and landed behind her, using his side to shove her off balance to the ground. Though she fell she quickly rolled out of the way of his sword and got back on her feet in time to block his next swing with her sword.

    "You've been practicing,"

    She broke the contact with his sword gave him a few good blows to the torso that brought him down. But before she could finish him with another blow he bent his legs back and jumped forward kicking her full force with his legs backward. This move brought her down hard onto the ground again, but she wasn't getting back up this time. Riku smirked as he stood over her with his hand lazily on his waist down at her; she glared back up at him.

    "Not bad, you could probably take down Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka one on one. Maybe even stand a chance against Sora."

    "I think anyone could take down Selphie and her silly jump rope."

    "Yeah, but don't tell her that."

    He offered his hand to help her up, she obliged being rather sore from their fight especially in the shoulders where Riku's kick move had slammed her to the ground.

    "You've had enough for today, you should go finish the raft with Kairi and Sora." He said.

    "Why? I can take another round!" she protested.

    "You've had enough." he said, firmly and propped himself onto the paupu tree.

    She turned and left to go back to Kairi just as Sora was making his way to Riku.

    "Not bad Aiko, maybe I'll take you on sometime."

    "Thanks Sora."

    Aiko smiled at his words as she walked past him. Kairi was still at the same spot, leaning her back against the doorway. She'd been watching Aiko and Riku's fight from there.

    "Don't let mom see the bruises on your shoulders when we go home," she said cheerfully with pride for her sister.

    "I wanted to go another round, but sensia said I had enough for today."

    "He knows what you can handle Aiko, trust him. Someday he'll make you better than him, and he won't see it coming."

    "You think?" she said, playfully flexing her toned arms.

    They laughed together, as Aiko took a seat beside Kairi.

    "You want me to help Sora gather the things for the raft?"

    "Nah, let's just sit here and wait for him to get it all."





    Author's Note

    Please forgive me if I set off anyone's Mary Sue alarm when it was stated that Aiko is Kairi's sister and she also has a crush on Riku. Actually I'd like to avoid Aiko having a romance of any kind through the whole duration of the story, don't we have enough stories out there where female protagonist have to fall in love by default? Fellow ladies remember, you don't need a man to be awesome all by yourself! :D Though I have already violated canon I will respectfully stick to the essence of Kingdom Hearts.

    If it seems that I've avoided just writing out the cutscenes directly out of the game it's because I have. Figure it'd get old to just write out what fans of the games already know and could communicate to unfamilar readers information about the characters without backtracking.

    Hope readers have enjoyed this first chapter enough to read the next. But first if you have any advice or criticism to give me, please post a review for this chapter. Just please don't be vague with the critism, I need specifics. Once a reviewer told me I didn't have enough detials but failed to explain where there was lack of detail and this was after they told me that they'd only skimmed through the chapter. :mad: You can't give an accurate or even fair review without reading the damn chapter!
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2013
  2. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    First, I'd like to comment on the name Ayako. Why'd you pick that name? It's very different from the other names. It begins with a vowel and has three syllables. It's not something fitting for me. When there are names like Sora, Tidus, Wakka, Kairi, etc.

    I think that "Don't blame me!" would serve better at the beginning instead of the end. Ayako is practically accusing Kairi so Kairi replying "Don't blame me!" then expressing her question seems to be the better fit.
    Sidenote: So they're still in their bathing suits. :p kidding.

    I find it skeptical that Ayako can be the fighter type when she was once such a sickly child and still receives mild fevers. Not to mention, lacking the upper-body compared to Riku as well as recovering from an earlier fever. But okay!

    There's a couple of grammatical error. I'll just point them out!
    1.You kidding?
    2.The town fishermen had already
    3.together flipped the boat
    4.From the ledge jumped to a neighboring ledge
    5.Riku with a cocky smile back at him

    Well, it's good so far. There's nothing excruciatingly comment worthy. I find that the beginning started off stronger than the rest of the story. Mainly, I could tell; the change of your writing once Kairi and Ayoko reached Sora and Riku's island. It threw me off a bit. Maybe because you switched from original to slightly canon or moreso the shift from a slow pace scene to a quicker one i.e. the constant competition and running around. Ayako from the beginning I assumed to be a frail type of girl since sickly children tend to be frail but now I see her taking a more of a tom-boy personality. The sword and army vest is kinda a give away. Possibly, your trying to stray away from that girly and sincere mentality. Anywho, the climax of chapter was the Ayako/Riku battle. It didn't give me the satisfactions that I wanted. Maybe too short or not enough pointless swinging. That's just me. Can't wait to see what you have for the next chapter though.
     
  3. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    Thank you Angel! I'll fix those errors you pointed out before the end of the day!

    I understand what you mean, I found her name in one of those website that people go to find names for their unborn children. I looked at the long list of japaneses names (like the main canon cast) and couldn't really find one with a meaning that suited what I wanted. So I went for Ayako, which means colorful child and doesn't particularly have a connection to her character because it's fairly vague.

    I thought about that too, and about changing somethings around to make it more believeable. I think I'll keep it that she was a sickly child, but generally healthy in the present and had recovered from a mild fever a day or two before.

    It's not entirely true that sickly children grow up to be frail, my bestfriend Jen taught me that being one of the most physically strong people I know. I wouldn't pick a fight with her, speaking of whom I'm going to be posting some collaborative drawings we've recently done of Ayako together.
     
  4. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    Well, I said I'd take a look. XD

    The first thing that jumps out at me is Ayako. I'll come right out and say that whenever I see an OC, I immediately cringe. So often they are author inserts, or Mary Sues, or otherwise annoying and, well, just don't quite fit in with the canon characters, despite the author's best intentions. But I'll try and keep an open mind and see how it goes.

    I agree with this. I'd imagine you're attached to the name by now and wouldn't want to change it, and I'm not suggested that you have to, but I think Angel's right in that Ayako doesn't fit as well with the other characters' names. It's a little jarring.

    I've noticed a few punctuation errors in addition to the grammatical errors Angel pointed out. There were a couple of places that I thought needed a comma but didn't have one, and a place that had a comma that I thought needed a semi-colon. There were also a couple of words I thought were chosen wrong- "[bathing] suits" instead of "suites" and in that same sentence, "wring" instead of "ring".

    I think the banter between Kairi and Ayako sounded suitably sibling-like. There's the arguing and hair-pulling, but you know the love is there. But they're not overpoweringly sweet to each other or unnecessarily cruel or rivaling.

    I'm interested in seeing how Ayako and Riku's relationship might develop. It feels a little odd to me that Ayako would be jealous of him, so I'd like to see where you may be going with that.

    My last word of advice would be to make sure you're showing, and not just telling.

    These two passages in particular seem a little clunky to me. And the reference to Ayako being jealous of Riku was told rather than shown, too, I though.

    Since it's only the first chapter, I don't have a whole lot to comment on. This is a pretty good start and I'm looking forward to seeing where you go from here.
     
  5. Cameron

    Cameron New Member

    Well seems like I found the time to read this as well.

    I can't really help you with your spelling or point out if there's something wrong with your grammar since I'm a foreigner myself - but I can say that even though English isn't my best asset, it was actually easy to read and follow the story.

    The problem with this is that I don't really love fanfiction, so I was a bit skeptical about if I would even bother to read yours. I didn't have a problem with the name of Kairi's sister, but it is an unusual name if thought about Kingdom Hearts -universe in general.

    I don't really know what to say or give any constructive advice because I'm not really familiar with fanfics and I don't really like them in general (and I can't really give advice about your grammar either so...). I can't promise that I will follow this (most probably I won't) but keep writing, I'm sure there's bunch of people out there that are interested to see the next chapter.
     
  6. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    XD Hahahahahaha. Selphie and her jump rope. Give her nunchuks and she'll whoop them all.

    But anyways, as for grammar and spell checking... know what you need? Paperrater and Ginger. I ADORE those two. You can continue your work on Microsoft word but when it comes to word usage, grammar, transitional phrases and the like, Paperrater and Ginger can easily help out with that!

    Also, "Auron~This Is Your Story". You write how you want to write it. We know that Ayako is not so good of a fighter but is trying to get better so that shouldn't set off any Mary Sue flags. But right now, Chapter One is very nice. :) Now I have motivation to finish my stories. Oh yea! The links to Paperrater and ginger! I'll give them to you through pm or vm. As for "the name is weird"... hm... brb on that one. I have a story that I am still working on (Has more chapter. Just need to actually put them on here, lol) and show you of a character that is not canon that I created.
     
  7. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    Having a flaw, if you would even call this that, doesn't mean your character isn't a Sue. Not that I'm saying that Ayako is. I haven't seen enough of her yet to make that call.
     
  8. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    Chapter Two: Dusk

    A cool ocean breeze made the islands' night air calm as villagers were settling down for the evening. The four friends had returned from their small island and were on their way home after tying their boats up at the docks. Riku ran off ahead to his house, it being the closest to the docks he waved goodbye as he disappeared through his front door several yards ahead of them. Sora and Kairi were chattering ahead of Aiko, she sensed her sister wanted to have some alone time with her obvious crush. Her mind was elsewhere for when she suddenly tripped on Riku's sword dropped on the road. She picked up the sword to return it to him; at the door of his house she gently knocked. There was no answer, so she knocked louder.

    "Who is it?" called Riku's mom.

    "Aiko!"

    "Oh, come in." she said, opening the door.

    “Thank you,”Aiko said, bowing respectfully before going down the hall toward Riku’s bedroom.

    Riku got most of his features from his mom, particularly his silver hair and aqua eyes. She didn’t come outside much these days, and didn’t even meet eye contact with Aiko before returning to her family shrine in the living room. The shrine dedicated to Riku’s father, a fisherman like Aiko and Kairi’s father now lost at sea for over six years. But Riku never spoke of his father or mother, and no one felt it’d be right to ask.

    Aiko paused when she was close to Riku’s door to his room, there were voices coming from inside. Getting closer it was clear that one of them was Riku, but the other was deeper and too muffled to make out words. Up close at Riku's door and peeking through she could only barely see his silhouette of him hunched over his knees as he sat on the bed; didn't seem to be anyone else there.

    "The door will be open soon," said Riku.

    "Riku?" she said, pushing open the door.

    He quickly stepped out from the bed, stiffly standing up as the light from the hallway illuminated him. For a moment Aiko thought she saw a dark aura around him, but figured her eyes were playing tricks and raised an eyebrow at him curiously.

    "Who you talking to? The wall?"

    "Just thinking out loud."

    "You ok?

    "Fine, why are you here?"

    She tossed him the sword across the room, which he caught in midair.

    "Try not leaving it on the road again."

    "Thanks, you should go. I'm busy. Bye." He said coldly and turned his back to her.

    Annoyed by his rudeness she left quickly without returning the good bye. Outside she dashed to catch back up with Kairi and Sora.

    "See you guys," said Sora, waving as he split for home.

    "Bye Sora!" shouted Kairi, waving back.

    Aiko casually waved good bye to him too with a squinty smile. She was amused by Kairi giggling as she continued to wave until Sora was out of sight.

    "Where were you?" asked Kairi, turning her attention to Aiko.

    "Just giving Riku his sword back, he'd dropped it on the road."

    "So what else did you do?"

    "Nothing.” She said, rolling her eyes at Kairi’s insinuation.

    "Really?" Kairi teased.

    "Yes.”

    As they got closer to their house they could see their mom standing at the front door waiting for them. It suddenly occurred to them that the sun had been down for fifteen minutes now.

    "I told you two to be back before dark."

    "We lost track of time," said Kairi.

    Their dad came up from behind to their mom with a concerned expression.

    "Honey, it isn't a big deal. The sun has only been down for a little while."

    Their mom dismissed what he'd said and continued to scold them.

    "Go get ready for bed, you missed dinner so you don't get any dinner."

    The girls went to their rooms, but their dad caught Aiko by the shoulder to whisper in her ear.

    "Sorry kiddo, we'll dwiddle tomorrow."


    She nodded with a wink to him, before going into her room. Kairi changed into her pajamas while Aiko grabbed hers before heading into the bathroom. After changing in there she started brushing her teeth, when she overheard her parents through the air vent beside the sink.

    "I didn't appreciate you undermining me in front of the girls."

    "I'm sorry dear, but don’t you think you were being a bit hard on them?"

    "Aiko shouldn't be out all hours of the day and Kairi knows that. Didn't you see how flushed Aiko's cheeks looked?"

    "Getting some exercise is healthy. I'd rather her be horsing around with friends than be sitting alone inside all day."

    "Her body doesn't need that kind of stress!”

    "A few scrapes and bruises could make her stronger."

    "You weren't here taking care of her when she was sick all the time!"

    "Lower your voice before they hear you!" he hushed.

    Aiko stopped eavesdropping and looked at herself in the mirror while tuning their arguing out. Compared to Kairi she wasn't as tan from not going outside as much, not that she was pale as a ghost. She pulled down the collar of her pajama top just enough to see the bruises on her shoulders. If her mom had seen them she would've gotten a lot more than no dinner. She finished brushing her teeth before going back to her and Kairi's room.

    "Mom and Dad are arguing," said Aiko.

    "I know, I heard mom shouting from here."

    Aiko crawled into her bed that sat across the from Kairi's bed on the other side of the small room; she untied her braids, before snuggling under the covers. For a while they kept quietly to themselves in the darkness.

    "…Kairi?"

    "Yeah?"

    What do you think it looks like? Where we came from?"

    "...I've never thought about it."

    "I wish we could remember."

    "I don't know really if I want to."

    Aiko sighed, she honestly didn't know if she was happy on Destiny Islands.

    "Don't you want to know who are real parents are?" Aiko asked.

    "We have real parents."

    Aiko didn't persist, she knew it might upset Kairi if she did. She thought about that day, when her and Kairi had arrived on Destiny Islands...

    A blonde five year old girl dizzily awoke to find herself lying on a beach, drenched, and surrounded by strangers. She had no memory of how she'd gotten there, where she'd come from, or even who she was. Lying beside her was another little girl with auburn hair about her age, also just waking up. It appeared they'd both washed up on the shore together. The auburn haired girl seemed just as scared and confused as the blonde girl. Out of their mutual fear they held each other and trembled as a woman among the strangers in a suit approached them, kneeling to come at their eye level.

    "Don't be afraid, no one will hurt you. Can you tell me your names?"

    They both shook their heads.

    "Don't worry, we're here to help you. Why don't you come with me?" she asked, offering her hand.

    While the blonde was hesitant, the other took the woman's hand and led them to a nearby village. Now those two little girls were the same teenagers lying in opposite beds of each other.

    "Night Kairi."

    "Night, sleep tight."


    Author's Note

    I originally didn’t add on to Riku’s backstory, and wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. But I thought I’d test I it out with you guys, and give it only a brief mention without showing Riku whining about his past. He is my favorite character and I wanted to give him more to what I already like without ruining what I liked about him. Please tell me if you think I succeeded or not! I’d appreciate it!

    I also was attempting to develop Aiko and Kairi's relationship as sisters, along with Aiko's relationship with their parents. Let me know how you liked or disliked this chapter and why. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next.

    Oh! I don’t like the title of this chapter and am having trouble coming up with a better one. So feel free to give any suggestions on that! XD

    It just occurred to me that some people may not know what dwiddling is; it's carving small pieces of wood. Nothing dirty!

    Remember don’t be vague! XOXO Love, Julia Rose
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
  9. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    I don't know that I have a whole lot to say about this chapter, but I'll try my best.

    There's still some questionable grammar. For example, this sentence:

    is a run-on. You could use a semi-colon instead of a comma after "Ayako", or just make it two separate sentences.

    This sentence is also clumsy. I won't say it doesn't make sense, because I can understand what you wanted to say, but yeah, it doesn't make sense. XD Also, how does one just lose a sword in the middle of the road?

    I don't see Ayako's crush on Riku. You're telling me that it's there, but I don't really see it shown through the story. Since you said that this wasn't going to turn into a Ayako/Riku fic, maybe you don't want to go into too much detail about it, but when it's brought up, I think it should be substantiated more.

    I thought the argument between Mom and Dad sounded realistic.

    I don't know how much of the Kairi (and Ayako) appearing in Destiny Islands scene is canon and how much is your invention, but it seems a bit much to me that the girls would just appear and have total amnesia like that. Though I do approve of the two having a discussion of sorts about their pasts.

    I'll reserve judgment on Riku's story until I've read more of it.

    Sorry, no title recommendations from me; I'm really bad at that. I think Dusk works well enough.
     
  10. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    Hm... Dusk... how about "Twins by the SeaShore"? I enjoy Chapter Two because of how you are trying to connect the parents arguments on Ayako's situation and then end it with Kairi and Ayako questioning on where they came from.
     
  11. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    Okay! I'm still on the first chapter. I re-read it and all. I think overall its better than what you originally had. The only thing that really messed me up was the grammatical errors. I wasn't too picky but the wording and the lack of some words just ruined my reading 'flow'. So, yeah. since I listed the errors below and corrected them then resumed reading. I just might have to read the chapter again, uninterrupted this time to truly tell the difference between the original and the newer one. I'll be getting to Chapter 2 in a little while. XD


    What? I know infinite means without limits so finite has to be 'limited' so I don't think that's the best word or maybe it wasn't the right word in the first place.

    More like 'You're kidding,".

    Change that 'But' into an 'And'.

    Nouns can't modify other nouns. Fishermen is plural so you use 'have'.
    The town's fishermen have already left early.....

    You meant quiet not quite.

    There's no subject in the second half.
    Correction: together they flipped the boat back over.....

    It seems you left out the "i".

    'a few feet away from them.'

    You need a conjunction or just replace the comma with a period.
    to catch him by surprise, but [] he dodged her swing......

    Rather redundant isn't it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2013
  12. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    God damnit, why can't I get it right the first time!
     
  13. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    XD HAHAHA! Don't worry. This is practice. Great practice if you ask me. Also good for real life to help with essays. Best to do it here now and know what you are doing wrong and so once you develop the habit of making less and less errors and having more clarity in your work, you can show it in the career field.
     
  14. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    I've seriously thought of something good!

    Why are these kids working on a raft when Ayako and Kairi have a boat?

    Seriously, why? Is this like a group project or are they deprived little children?
     
  15. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    Well, there were boats in the game too, weren't there? So this is a plot hole sanctioned by S-E, at any rate.

    I'm a little surprised a spell/grammar checker didn't catch some of these errors. Angel has a good eye- I tend to skim read and overlook little things like that; my brain tends to just fill in the missing words or punctuation marks.
     
  16. Become

    Become Resident Tashian Staff Member Moderator Content Writer

    Actually, 'had' works just fine, and would be grammatically correct in the context of the senstence. Have, had and has aren't so rigidly bound by singular or plural forms. And there isn't necessarily anything wrong with 'the town fishermen.' One can take it as similar as saying the 'town drunk' or the 'village idiot.' Last I checked, no one ever calls those ones out.

    It was only really redundant in the sense of the action taken. The repeated dialogue was merely a reinforcement of the previous statement made.


    As far as the story itself goes, Roses, it's a bit hard for me to completely take in. Don't get me wrong, your writing is good, and you carry the characters pretty well to boot. I'm just not big on the rehashing of the first game, and the insertion of the new character. I know it's a reimagining of things, but I can't help but feel unsettled by Ayako, particularly that she's in such a closely related role to the main cast from the games. It just seems like a violation of series canon. I feel that she should have at least been distanced from them a bit, just to keep true to the series. But that's really just a matter of my personal taste.
     
  17. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    Actually, your right and wrong.

    I believe 'had' doesn't work in this case. This sentence is tricky. If you look closely 'left' is a past participle meaning this sentence could be present perfect or past perfect. [Has][Have] Present perfect is an unspecified event in the past such as 'that morning' in this case. [Had] While Past perfect expresses that something has occurred before an action. There is none so 'have' works.

    Has and Have both depend on the point of view and whether it is singular or plural. 'Has' is present tense and only goes with third person singular as for 'Have' it is also present tense and goes with every thing except third person singular. I mistook 'had' for 'has'. 'Had' is past tense and is exempt from the rules of the other two.


    Your right! Nothing is wrong with it, now that I think about it. But again, 'the town fishermen' or the 'town drunk' are Old English terms which aren't used in today's English or by our standards. That's probably the reason that I picked up on it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2013
  18. xxxJRosesxxx

    xxxJRosesxxx New Member

    Chapter Three: Troubling Nightmare

    "Interference is useless."

    Aiko awoke to a strange deep voice speaking in her bedroom, a voice so familiar it shook her with fear. The room was so dark there were only the stars and moon from the window granting her vision. There was a red cloaked man standing between Kairi and her; his face was hidden by a hood. Kairi still slept undisturbed by the intruder's presence while Aiko tried to let out a scream to awake their parents. However not a peep escaped her straining throat, no matter how much she tried. The intruder ignored her and turned to Kairi, bending down to lift her into his arms. Unable to scream, Aiko promptly launched herself off the bed him to stop him. But suddenly the shadows in the room came to life with limbs snatching her wrists and slammed her against the wall. Suddenly the shadows in the room came to life with limbs and grabbed her by the wrists just before she was going to attack him.

    "A useless effort by a useless child," he said.

    She struggled with all her strength to break free from the shadows restraining her; however its multiple limbs were binding her legs and waist, while also slowly the shadows were pulling her into its depths.

    "Useless." he repeated.

    The man removed his hood revealing Riku's face, but the deep adult voice was not his own. He stared blankly down at Aiko as her eyes grew wide with shock and disbelief.

    ‘He can't be Riku! It has to be a trick! Wake up Kairi!’

    "Come princess," he said, hosting Kairi into his arms as she remained asleep.

    ‘Kairi!’

    The shadows wrapped about her throat, nose, and mouth as she desperately broke free one hand reaching for her captive sister.

    ‘I can't breathe! Riku! Kairi!’

    Her vision began to blur and her lungs ached painfully for oxygen, all while she was only a little ways more from being completely consumed into the darkness.

    ‘Please Riku!

    Aiko's eyes became heavier as the beats of her heart hesitated more and more. Riku smiled cruelly as he watched amused by her inability to fight back anymore. She finally couldn't keep her eyes open and her reaching hand went limp as the darkness clouded around the image of Riku jumping out the window with Kairi.

    '...Kairi.'

    Trenched in sweat Aiko awoke from what thankfully was only a nightmare, Kairi was safe sleeping in bed and the sun was rising. She sighed heavily with relief, as her heartbeat was returning to a calm pace. After collecting herself she pulled off the blankets and stepped on the cool wood floor. She took a closer look at Kairi for reassurance that she was truly there.

    ‘Felt so real...’

    Her hand touched her neck, it still felt as if she'd actually been choking for air. She looked over at the alarm clock seated on a nightstand in the corner of the room, it was five o clock. It was earlier than Aiko had gotten up before, and after that nightmare she wouldn’t be able to return to the world of sleep. Quietly she tip towd out of the bedroom and down the hall to the living room, where she lay on the floor. For a second she just stared at the ceiling as she contemplated her dream, before placing her hands behind her head, and bringing her torso up to her propped knees. The dream was the last thing she wished to ponder, so she distracted herself with sit-ups and then push-ups. Concentrating her energy on each muscle that she pushed harder than usual until her body couldn’t handle it anymore and she lay on the floor panting. But didn’t waste any time there and went straight to the bathroom to shower, she was clean, teeth brushed, and dressed before the alarm went off at seven o clock. She gently sat on the edge of Kairi’s bed and lightly shook her by the shoulder to wake her.

    "Hmpf."

    "Come on, the alarm clock will go off in a minute. Get up."

    Kairi's eyes opened drowsily looking up at her sister, who smiled cheerfully down at her.

    "I'm getting up," she murmured, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

    Aiko turned around and went to the dresser, where her jewelry box sat on top. She opened it and got out a small key on a thin silver chain, hooking it around her neck she felt a sense of safety as if she'd wrapped a security blanket around herself.

    About an hour later Kairi was ready for the day and braiding Aiko's hair at the breakfast bar in the kitchen when their mom stepped out from the hallway still in her nightgown and robe. Drowsily she walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself a big cup, as she sipped it her eyes suspiciously gazed at her daughters.

    "You two are up early, plan on going to your island again?" she asked, before taking another sip.

    "...Yeah," said Aiko, mouse like.

    The sisters sensed their mom pondering on whether or not they were allowed to go.

    "I'm not sure you can go today, what if you decide to come back late again?"

    "Mom please, you act like we were plotting against you," said Aiko, with irritation in her voice.

    "Watch your tone young lady."

    "Mom really, we'll be fine. Aiko will be fine. I promise we won't be late again." pleaded Kairi, finishing Aiko’s second braid.

    Their mom took a few more sips of her black coffee, contemplating her decision with her daughters watching eagerly. She gently put the back of her hand on Aiko's forehead checking for a fever, who pulled away insecurely.

    "Please Mom, I really am sorry." she said.

    Their mom sighed, placing her coffee down on the counter and looked into Aiko’s eyes with a smile.

    "...Fine, you can go."

    “Thanks mom, love you!” said Kairi, before heading out the door.

    Before Aiko followed after she hugged her mom and a grateful kiss on the cheek.
    "Thank you mama, I love you."

    Her mom held her close almost as if she were afraid to lose her baby, and whispered into her ear.

    “Please understand Ayako, I just want you to be safe.”

    Then she kissed Aiko’s forehead and let her go off to join her friends. But Aiko looked back at her from the doorway, with guilty thoughts creeping in her mind and then went out the door. Outside the house Sora was leaning against the wall chatting with Kairi, who was happy to see him.

    "Hey Aiko!"

    "Hey," said Aiko.

    "Awesome we all managed to wake up early! That'll show Riku!" said Sora, excitedly.

    "Yeah," said Aiko, not really paying attention to him.

    "Come on then let's go!" said Kairi taking off in a sprint.

    Sora and Aiko followed after her to the docks when they got there Riku was just untying his boat.

    "See you all managed to drag yourselves out of bed this morning."

    Sora glared childishly at him, annoyed by Riku’s apathetic response to their early presence. Riku shrugged with an amused smile and jumped into his boat to head out to their island; the others followed after in their boats. Arriving none of the other kids from the islands had shown up yet, so the four had the island all to themselves for a couple of hours.

    "It's nice to not have Selphie around to ask why we've been hiding out on the other side of the island." said Sora.

    "I'm going to head over there." said Riku, leaving them.

    A few hours past, Sora was going around the island gathering food for the coming journey while Aiko and Kairi were sitting on the finished raft together and Riku they knew was a little further ways on the same side of the island as them.

    "It feels so real now..." said Aiko.

    "Hmm?"

    "The raft it's finally finished...when Riku first thought of us all going away together it felt like only an impossible dream. But it's really happening now, we're going to leave Destiny Islands."

    "Yeah you're right...but we'll come back. We'll always be able to come back."

    "Right! Then mom and dad will see just how strong we really are! They'll see!"

    She enthusiastically threw a fist up in the air with a determined expression and Kairi giggled at her excited display. Sora came over from the coconut trees, carrying a big seagull eggs under his arm, and placed it on the raft.

    "That the last of it?" asked Sora.

    "Yep, good job!" praised Kairi, standing up and taking Sora by the hand.

    "What are you-?"

    "I made one for all of us."

    She'd tied a seashell bracelet around his wrist and then went to Aiko to tie another on her.

    "You made these by yourself?" asked Aiko.

    "Yep, it took forever to find enough shells to make four. Sailors wear them in hopes of a safe journey."

    "Wow Kairi, thanks!" said Sora.

    "Yeah, thank you!"

    "Don't mention it, now I just have to give Riku his."

    She had Riku's bracelet in her hands when Sora suddenly took it and ran off.

    "Sora!"

    "Don't worry, I'll take it to him!"

    "Come on, let's follow him." said Kairi.

    They walked their way along to Sora and Riku, who seemed to have some tension between them when they arrived. Riku saw them coming and came up to Kairi with a soft smile. Aiko felt uncomfortable seeing him smile at Kairi like that, he never smiled that way at her. She looked down at the sand feeling like he may see her eyes green with jealousy.

    "Thanks Kairi," he said, holding up his wrist with his new bracelet already tied on.

    "You're welcome!"

    Sora gave Aiko a friendly fist bump on the shoulder to get her attention.

    "Riku and I are going to race, you want to join?"

    Kairi sighed, "You two at it again?"

    "The winner chooses what we call the raft and gets to be captain," said Riku.

    She thought for a moment still a bit disturbed by her dream she wasn’t in the mood to race even with the potential winner's reward.

    "...No thanks guys, I'm good."

    Kairi glanced at her sister concerned, it wasn't often Aiko would pass up the chance for a race against both Sora and Riku.

    "Kairi, will you help us start?" asked Riku.

    "Yeah."
    The boys positioned themselves for the race, Kairi stood about a foot to the side in front with her arm in the air ready to signal them.

    "Okay on my count, 1, 2, 3, go!

    The two took off running and Kairi took a seat beside Aiko against the wall.

    "Everything ok?"

    "...It's nothing , actually it's kind of stupid."

    "Why? Come on, tell me."

    Ayako couldn’t hide anything from her sister, and told her about the nightmare from the previous night.

    "So yeah, silly to get worked up over a dream right?"

    "No not at all. Everyone has been spooked by a bad dream at some point. Remember when we were little I became afraid of closets."

    "Yeah, you'd dreamed that monsters were always watching us and waiting for the right moment to steal children and eat them."

    "Yep, and it took me six months before I realized it wasn't real."

    "Hope it doesn't take me six months."

    "I'm sure it won't." she assured, leaning over to say more “and I wouldn’t worry about Riku, I like someone else”.

    Aiko felt her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment; there really wasn’t anything she could hide from her sister. Then they could see Sora and Riku coming up running side by side charging for the finish line. Sora lunged forward at the last step with a big leap, sliding on his face against the hot sand.

    "Oh Sora, are you alright!" said Kairi, rushing to his side.

    "I'm fine," he said, his voice muffled by the sand.

    He lifted his head from the sand, his forehead, nose, and chin red with irritation from his rough landing.

    "Did I win?"

    "Yes, you did!" said Aiko, laughing.

    "Alright! I'm captain!"

    "Your score is still 1 to 2." said Riku, messing with Sora's hair.

    "Cut it out!" whined Sora.

    A couple of hours later most of the gang were keeping to themselves, except Sora and Aiko who were walking along the beach together at the dock side of the island.

    "It's a shame you didn't join the race today."

    "Wasn't in the mood, I'm not a fast runner anyway."

    "You'll get better, Riku is training you after all. You're already a fair fighter."

    "Thanks Sora."

    "Hey!"

    Ayako and Sora turned around to see Tidus and Wakka stepping out of the beach shed.

    "Oh hi," said Sora.

    "We were wondering if you'd dual with us"

    "Definitely, Aiko you want to join?"

    Smiling wickedly she nodded to him, then from the corner of her eye she saw Selphie running toward them.

    "You're all going to spar? Can I too?"

    "Sure, you'll be on our team," said Wakka.

    Sora and Aiko stood back to back with their swords ready to fight. Selphie, Tidus, and Wakka positioned themselves in a triangle surrounding the two. Tidus was the first to charge, attacking Sora by flipping forward in the air swinging his rod. But Sora promptly blocked the attack with his own swing, causing them both to slightly slide backwards. While Wakka threw his blitzball at Aiko and Selphie jumped at her whipping the handle of her jump rope. Aiko squatted down in time for the blitzball to miss her and hit Selphie in the face sending her flying backwards.

    "Wakka, you hit me!"

    "Sorry!" he shouted, rolling to pick up the blitzball.

    Sora was still fighting Tidus, their sword and rod often hitting each other in sync with each other. Aiko came to his aid since Wakka and Selphie for a second were unable to attack, she slid her legs beneath Tidus making him fall to the ground. But before she could strike him a jump rope wrapped around her wrist as the sword was positioned midair. Wakka with his blitzball back threw it at Sora, hitting him in the gut knocking the wind out of him. Selphie tried to pull Aiko to her by the jump rope, but she wasn't strong enough so Aiko with a rough pull made Selphie trip beside her. Then tied her wrists and ankles together behind her back.

    "No fair!" she whined, as Aiko left her there.

    "You're out," Aiko snickered.

    Tidus charged at her next, jumping to the side she dodged his first swing and attempted to hit him from behind. But he rolled forward and she just missed. He turned around thrusting his rod just above her hip, she winced in pain falling to her knees. Sora jumped over her and struck Tidus down.

    "Ugh," moaned Tidus.

    "I think he's out too."

    He gave Aiko a hand and pulled her up to her feet.

    "Just one left."
    Wakka threw his blitzball at them, Aiko hit it with her sword like a baseball bat right back at him. He caught it and jumped up high in the air ready to put all his strength into one powerful blow.

    "Take this!" he shouted, thrusting the blitzball down full force toward them.

    "Sora!" said Aiko, bending down like a frog in front of him with her back to him.

    Understanding her intentions he used her backside like a spring he leaped himself into the air and hit the oncoming blitzball with his sword right back at Wakka. This time he was unable to catch it at such speed, the force sent him to the ground.

    "Alright we won!" cheered Sora, with his fists up high.

    He and Aiko pumped both pairs of fists together in victory before helping their defeated opponents back to their feet. Aiko untied Selphie, Tidus was back up on his feet already, and Sora splashed water on Wakka to help him come out of his dizziness.

    "Great fight guys, but we'll get you next time!" said Tidus, shaking hands with Sora.

    Then he turned to Aiko holding out his hand to her too.

    "Nice job Ayako, Riku is training you well. We should spar again sometime."

    "You bet!" she replied, shaking his hand.

    Sora suddenly became distracted when he saw Kairi come out from the other side of the island and sit on the boat dock, before Aiko could say "see you later" he was half way to Kairi. So Aiko went up to and then across the bridge to the smaller "mini" island. While on the way up she picked up a chuck of dried up driftwood, then took out a pocket knife and started carving the driftwood. At the paupu tree Riku was sitting on the curved trunk. Casually she sat next to him without a word, paying attention to her carving. She continued for about half an hour, than lifted it to the light; it was a mouse with big round ears standing upright with his arms hanging to the sides, and wore big round shoes.

    "What is it?" asked Riku.

    "A mouse."

    "Mice don't stand upright."

    "I know that, it's not a real mouse!"

    "When did you learn to carve like that?"

    "My Dad taught me."

    "Impressive."

    "But you don't find anything impressive?"

    "I'm only impressed by abilities that I can't do."

    "Thanks..."

    Aiko turned her face so he wouldn’t see her blush, as an awkward silence raised between them. She had difficulty talking to him, honestly talking made her nervous. Talking came easy with Kairi and her parents, but with everyone else it didn't come as naturally with other people and especially Riku. They communicated better with their swords than with their words. Often she listened more than she spoke, saying less than she had to say.

    "The sun is starting to set, shouldn't you and Kairi be heading home?"

    "Oh my gosh! Kairi!"

    She jumped off the paupu tree and ran for the docks.

    "See you again soon."

    There was something odd in the tone of his voice, like there was more to his words than they seemed.


     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
  19. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    I am rereading this as I am typing. While I am at it, it is nice to see that you have changed her name from "Ayako" to "Aiko". it will actually sound/ look better to those trying to pronounce her name (Ayako may sound like AH YAHK KO while Aiko sounds like AH EEE KO). Well... xp You still used "Ayako" in this chapter though so start making sure which name you are using. Otherwise, you will end up confusing the readers.

    ... Know what would be great? If you can describe what type of floor it is. It can really catches the attention of people. To readers in my opinion, if one would only say "wood", then I think hat they will be thinking of trees. Describing the material of an object is always more beneficial for one to keep on reading. If you already know in your story how the environment will look like, you can always give specific details.

    I enjoy the fighting aspect of Sora and Aiko together. Other than that, not much critique from me.
     
  20. Kitty

    Kitty I Survived The BG Massacre Staff Member Administrator

    Sorry it took me so long to get the chance to comment. >_<

    Well, I notice you changed names from Ayako to Aiko, and I think Aiko fits in better with the rest of the cast.

    The dream sequence is a little odd to me. It's suitably ominous, but feels a little forced.

    The sparring scene with all of the kids was done better. It's helpful to see Aiko interact with everyone like a real kid who grew up with these people.

    There are still some grammatical issues of the sort we've mentioned before. I think it's mainly an issue of knowing when to use semi-colons versus commas, because some of the sentences seem like run-ons.

    This is a little awkward and redundant.

    This is also awkward. I think the period after "rope" is probably supposed to be a comma, with it tying into the following sentence.

    Overall, it's a decent chapter. I'd just try and keep an eye on the spelling/grammar a little while proofreading.
     

Share This Page