Kingdom Hearts:Darkness Riseing(Trios Story)SU/OOC

Legacy is right, and I actually would take out more. I'm at home so here's your detailed report...

The Plot- You mentioned the plot is about Trio hunting heartless, nobodies, and unbirths. Ok, that's not what I'd call a good developed plot. Does he have a reason why he's hunting them?

You also say he's going to Kingdom Hearts. Why? What's at Kingdom Hearts for him?

You mention that he goes to the World that Never Was. You really should freshen up on your knowledge of kingdom hearts. Kingdom Hearts isnt actually at the World that Never Was, that's an artificial Kingdom Hearts.



Your Character Trio- Major Mary-Sue and major God-Mod. 10 Keyblades, what does he have ten hands? And a heartless, nobody, unbirth hybrid dragon, really? LIKE REALLY?! Seriously! That's just ridiculous both of those. You need to become knowledgble on Kingdom Hearts more.

Only two keybladers have been known to have two keyblades, and really they were the same people, Sora and Roxas. No more than two, and when they had those two they were in a special form. They had keychains which changed the appearence of their ONE keychain. And this would be fine, but there must, MUST be a limit on the keychains, meaning you can't just change it every three seconds.

Also you're making just this character the main character, in RP's a main, main character is fine, but not very great. Every character should play a major role, unless the the RP'er decides not to have their character a main character.


Antagonist- Organization Cloacked Assins? Nova Shadows? Who are they, we know nothing about them! What is their goal? Why did they attack him?

You need to explain these antagonist roles because they are roles people can control. How are they suppose to create a character with no information?



Connection to Kingdom Hearts:
~Birth by Sleep- You said that Trio was a student of Eraquis and became a master very quickly. Looking at Aqua, I find this a bit of a godmod for Trio. Also this doesn't tie in very well to Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep at all. I personally think it be better if Trio was maybe a student with Eraquis and Xehanort.
~Kingdom Hearts- haha not a connection at all! When you said Trio left to go home, he saw Sora's heartless anti form, If the time line is correct, Sora is only 4, and at that time the keyblade wielder was suppose to be Riku, also meaning Sora's antiform does not exist at all.
~Kingdom Hearts II- This connection is sooooooo terrible. It makes no sense at all.
~~ Clear all those connections now.


Back Story- Like Legacy said, a baby sister can't really talk. Why not make it like a five year old instead.


Based Off of the Connections-
1.) If you're going to have it connect to a game, chose one and only one
2.) Use hard core facts, don't change anything.
3.) Make sense if you're going to connect the game.


Rules- You obviously do not know KHPlanet's own RP rules. Please learn these rules and even if this opening post is just like a RP post meaning it should follow the rules. It barely did.


Roles-
First off, KHPlanet is a very small website, there aren't ever 32 active members.
Second, You named off many available roles. I already can tell you only about three of those I see actually being useful. Explain their importances.
Third, what are the other roles available? How do other characters come into play


Other-
First, the template. The template can't be made, no way can it every physically be complteley made. There's no way to know who a nemisis or closest friends are, but the worst is the story fit in Trio's.
Second, Trio's sign up isn't possible. If you follow the times line, he would have been a student of Eraquis at age 5, there's no way he could be a keyblade master or Riku when he recieved the keyblade inherence ceremony, he could start training then.


And final, not to be blunt, but good luck trying to get Square Enix to create a story or game off of your story, they'd never would, never will, and really can't. It doesn't work at all.

 

Actually no it's not. And don't argue with me before you regret it.

 

There's not going to be a later if you don't fix it. I'll shut it down because at this current point, this is not an actual RP, and thus as RP mod I cannot allow it to stay here unless it's fixed.

 

Ok. Now I am going to take over. I will change everything that you have and show you what you should've done. Plus, since this is "Trio's" story, this should be completely original; one that is separate from the Kingdom Hearts storyline although it can still have some Kingdom Hearts elements in it. Also, there is absolutely (Especially to everyone else on this site) to be using the same, favorite keyblade such as Ultima, Oathkeeper, Kingdom Key, and Oblivion. -__- It is getting old. Add some flavor and creativity and make up your own keyblade or use a keyblade that is not so strong like the ones that I have mentioned. No one shouldn't even need to use an X-Blade too. I have always disliked those keyblades because they are SO overrated. And I am doing all of this without Open Office.

Trio, a rogue Keyblade wielder, has made hunting a sport and a hobby. Trio is the middle child out of the nine siblings. His mother was about to have another girl named Nio. Out of all the kids, he was one out of the four siblings who was able to use a keyblade. His mother allowed him to train under a mentor that she know of so that he, along with his other three siblings, can learn how to use a keyblade properly. While training, he and his three siblings learned that their sister was born and that motivated him to train as hard as possible. After training for 3 years, he was able to graduate into the next rank but he still had a long way to go. Two of his siblings became keyblade masters while he was still under training due to their age and completing their own Inheritance Ceremony.

When he got home, he was so happy that he was going to see his baby sister once again. When he came back home, he saw that his house was under attack. When he went downstairs he hears some one moving in the basement. When he went into the basement, he saw his Mother fending off the attackers along with his family and friends. He help in the attack but while he was helping in the attack, his baby sister ended up kidnapped. His mother was also too weak and fell ill and thus, he ended up depressed.

Trio started to cry. His friends and family started to wonder if they can ever get Nio back. However, one of the siblings left in the night and, in his absence, a note telling everyone why he left. Trio then decided to become determined on protecting his friends and family; he still have to finish training.

Trio and his pet dragon kept on training while his mentor sent the two siblings who became keyblade masters to go forth and find Nio. He did not want to stay behind and never react, so he left home and set off into the worlds. Thus, his journey, along with his friends and siblings, begins.
Rules:
1. Basic Roleplay rules.
2. Can have up to 1-3 characters. If you want more, private message or or ask me on my profile.
3. History must have 6-10 sentences (One paragraph.) In order to be accepted.
4. If I see that there is an unbalance or that I need more information on the characters ability, I will ask before I will accept the character template.

Template:

Name:
Age:
Gender:
Personality:
Closest Friend (Optional):
Role:
Hobby: (Optional)
Valuable/ Favorite Item:
Theme: (Optional)

Weapon:
Sub-weapon: (Optional if the character has one)
Abilities:
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
Pet: (If you have one, what is its abilities? If it do not have one, put down none. Optional.)
Attacks: (Optional
History:


Characters Needed:
Keyblade Mentor: (Optional/Needed)
1st Sibling: (Optional)
2nd Sibling: (Needed)
3rd Sibling: (Needed)
4th Sibling: (Optional)
5th Sibling (Needed)
6th Sibling: (Optional)
8th Sibling: (Optional)
9th Sibling: (Optional)
Nio: (Needed and needs to be young. Somewhere around age 7-10.)

Friend #1:
Friend #2:

Other Characters & Cameos:

Here is Trio's Bio:

Name:Trio
Age:16
Gender:Male
Closest Friend: Whomever
Pet: Something the Dragon
Weapon: Keyblade
History: already described
Role: Main Character

Ok. First off, I changed completely everything and made your story more original. No Xemnas, no "Sora is the enemy and my dragon is all heartless, nobody and unversed combined together" none of that. Plus, I have tone down your main character and actually, in the plot, gave the two siblings who became keyblade masters more interests to have a chance in the spotlight. There are also no death in the family although Nio is kidnapped. If you read what I have, you can see that you are letting members respect you for your plot and your character and you are letting the members see that you are also letting the characters that you have mentioned more interests and equal rights with the main character and be just as important.

Also, I have changed "Tie in Trio's Story" into "Role". That way, if one, such as myself, has a character that is a high summoner, that member or myself can put down "High Summoner" in the role or put down "Narrator and Ravaging Healer" in the role. You can also see that I have put down "Pet" in your template because you have mentioned of having a pet dragon in the plot. However, I did put down optional because none of the members do not really need a pet if they do not want one. Also, I have put down strengths and weaknesses. That way, you are able, along with the other members, put yourself and the others in check so that they will not step out of their boundaries. And with the characters needed, I put down the characters that are needed but also the characters that are optional. That way, the members will be able to know what to do and have more creativity with the roleplay.

I hope that this helps you.

 

Besides a few minor grammar mistakes, summoner created a good RP pout of your....mess.

I would actually join that rp

 

Yeah seriously^

Look at the Phantom of the Opera for instance. It was first a book then many, many movies were made, many which were big hits at their time, and then in the 1980's the musical we all know and love was created all based off of a book written in the 1800's. It started, note STARTED, small and got big

 

^^^ love the comparison! and really they're right Trio. just take into account what was said and work on a smaller RP. (not really sure what to say without being redundant, I just wanted to put in my two cents )

 

*Facepalms 120 times*. All up to you now. I'll just leave it between you and Destiny. This thread can be closed now or not only if Trio change what he is doing.

 

Did somebody say. . . INSANITY?
Oh, wait. My username isn't that anymore.

Anyways, you should still use that mary-sue test to gauge how good your character edits are.

 

Now edit attributes you deem less necessary so that they don't qualify on the scale. That's one way of making him better. Also. . . If this link doesn't work, then please tell me. It's a powerful and epic character creation guide, the like of which the gods can't rival.

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs44/f/2009/144/3/f/3f32605d59020c84b8be6d0b83ab8feb.png
http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs42/f/2009/170/d/5/d5e5d9cbd3637846e7e78670939aec35.png
http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs47/f/2009/170/3/1/31a8b35b9896973fcead335c4c13674d.png