Darkness of Night

It would be nice if you could read this out loud to yourself. I found several grammar errors involving tense issues, and a few repeated words.

Otherwise try to use things other than "She said," or "She was". When over used they can become cluttering and take from the story. Also you should include more description so we have a better idea of what we're supposed to be looking at. We have no idea what the main character looks like, or the forest for that matter other than "it's dark".

Finally, you don't need to say things outside of quotes if you're going to use them inside quotes. In other words when you used,

"She started panting for she was out of breath. '*pants*.......I'm......"pants* so tired.'"

You could have just skipped over the *pants* and write,

"She started panting for she was out of breath. 'I'm so tired.'"

and the panting is implied. You could also go further by saying,

She was panting heavily, and said breathlessly, "I'm so tired."

This was we not only know that she is exhausted but also is out of breath, and writing flows better.

Finally, you could fix the fragmentation that occured after this sentence by doing the following.

"'I'm so tired,' she then fell to the ground, her whole body aching from running away from the pillar of bright red light. 'I can't run anymore.' She continued, still out of breath."

There we go, a completely joined up sentence with little fragmenting. You made some other mistakes, but with enough practice you'll get better. The worst thing you can do is quit at this, and with help you'll get the hang of things. I look forward to any more writing you may submit. If you have any questions feel free to pm me, or vm me.