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A simple poem

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics' started by clawthecyclops113, Sep 19, 2012.

  1. clawthecyclops113

    clawthecyclops113 New Member

    Come with me to a world unknown to us. Don’t be scared, I’m right here. You
    Make feel that I could touch the planets. You are of a kind. My eyes opened up when I saw. You were the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
    You have gotten to me, you have stolen my heart. Your kindness and honesty are the most important.
    Your beautiful face has opened up the clouds. It rain when you’re not around.

    There are no clouds when you’re not around. I have fallen deeply in love with you.
    The sun shines when you are around. You got me stuck by the way you glow.

    You are always on my mind, I will always think about you. I am your shield and sword.
    The stars spell out your name. I could watch you forever. You are my Hollywood treasure.
    No girl will ever be greater than you. You are a classy one. The reason my eyes open up. I’m
    Right here, I’ll protect you.

    Don’t be scared of the outside world, It’s me and you against the world. The stars bring out your beautiness. Every time I see you, it makes my day. You may say you’re not beautiful, but you will always be beautiful to me, I will never win this game without you. I won’t breath without you. I won’t live without you. I’d never seen a star this close. I don’t need money, I don’t need fame, all I need is you.
    This poem shows you how much I love you, how much I love you, how much you mean to me. I’ll never let anyone hurt you or touch you. Don’t be scared, I’m right here. Hold my hand, don’t let go. We can go to a place I know. Close your eyes don’t make a sound, just come. I got my head up in the sky. I’m never looking down feeling priceless.
    I will always love you, no matter what happens.
     
  2. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    For poems, post them in the Traditional Showcase please in the Poetry and Lyrics section.

    You left you "me" and "One.". One word can make a big difference. You left those two words out.

    It should be "rains".

    Um... :eek: beautiness is not really a real word and is bad English. You are better off saying beauty than beautiness.

    I just wanted to touch on those errors. Overall, it is pretty above average. I enjoy it.
     
  3. Beloved

    Beloved Azure's Beloved

    I second Brandon's touch ups. The "you are of a kind." Bit i think was supposed to be one of a kind? Overall not bad. Good job conveying your feelings. Im sure if this was for a special someone she was tickled pink. ^_^
     
  4. clawthecyclops113

    clawthecyclops113 New Member

    its for a girl I like on another khv website. Im writing her a song
     
  5. Beloved

    Beloved Azure's Beloved

    Oh really? Well if you ever want some help thinking of lyrics or opinions let us know! I know I for one would be more than happy to help.
     
  6. clawthecyclops113

    clawthecyclops113 New Member

    I do need help with. I got some lyrics down
     
  7. Beloved

    Beloved Azure's Beloved

    Then feel free to either post them somewhere asking for opinions and advice, or message the lyrics to me. Theres plenty of us here that would probably be willing to help out.
     
  8. clawthecyclops113

    clawthecyclops113 New Member

    ok cool thanks
     

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