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Profile Critique

Discussion in 'Archive' started by RebelMurf, Aug 23, 2009.

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  1. RebelMurf

    RebelMurf Hero of the Wild

    You can post a link to one of your character profiles in here and people will give you feedback and advice. Please keep all criticism friendly and constructive. Do NOT flame someone or insult their profile. This is to help people improve their skill, not to bash them or laugh at someone who's profile may not be as good as yours.

    By the same token, this is meant to be a critique, which means people will be pointing out the flaws in your profile. If you can not handle people pointing out what you did wrong, do not post here.

    That said, critique away.
     
  2. draco009

    draco009 Dungeon Master

    Well I Want To Hear What People Think So Here's The Link To My Chara Profiles: Draco009 Profiles
     
  3. Overdose

    Overdose Ninja.V

    They're good templates.

    For the first one, new org perhaps try and develop appearance further since there is no visible picture. You've only described basics of his appearance, try and make something more distinctive.

    This may not correspond to you character but for example:
    His left leg was 1 inch taller than the right giving him an usual walk.
    OR. Further describe a feature like eyes for example.
    His eyes were aquatic blue and glistened in the moonlight.

    Something like that?

    For personality, its well written however its time to bring it to the next level.
    "He likes to be alone most of the time and to go on missions."

    To get a statement like that to the next level take notice of diction and use of pejorative words. (Basicly choose words which will create the effect you want, right now its too basic.)
    He often prefers to be anti social and undertake assignments.

    Theres a slight difference in your statement and mine. Do you understand?

    for the Second one,Ultima Fantasy also develop your character further. This one has a photo for appearance but however add an additional sentence or so to create something very distinct and unique to the particular character. A scar on his left hand, maybe a tatoo. Or tell us about whats really under the cloak he appears to be wearing in the image. Just to develop him more and make him different to other profiles.

    Under History you've written
    "At The Age Of 10 He Discovered His Power. At The Age Of 14 He Has Been Using His Powers To Help His Fellow Xzaryans Save His Home Planet. "

    If you re-read that you'll notice both sentences have a similar begining. This can sometimes be use to create a specific effect, however thats not really the case. When writing look out for this, try and change how you start a sentence. You dont want your writing to become to repetitive that it gets boring. Youve only done this in a character profile so it doesn't matter to much. Just look out for it in when your actually rping :)

    Question..why do you type with every letter as a capital? Its showing poor english since its now hard to tell what is a proper noun.


    I'm not saying your profiles aren't good, i'm just trying to give you constructive critisim. If you take on board what i've said i guarantee not just your profiles but your RPing in general will get better :)

    Good luck. If you still don't understand some of the things i've said PM or VM me.
     
  4. draco009

    draco009 Dungeon Master

    Thanks For The Advice. And For The Question. I Type Capitals Because That How I Learned To Type. I Can't Help It. Sorry, And Thanks...:D
     
  5. Haresuno

    Haresuno KH-3's Übermensch

  6. Overdose

    Overdose Ninja.V

    Okay in this specific profile the Bio i would say is the main focul, or contains most about the character.

    The first half of the bio is mainly on appearance than it slowly comes into personality. There is very little on history. Try and even it out more.
    Maybe split it into more sub sections.
    Appearance: Containg how the character looks and presents them
    Personality: their personality
    History: History of the character and perhaps reasons to why their personality or appearance is like that, create links.

    First line of your bio youve mention strong facial features, maybe you should pin point one in partcular. Maybe the nose, and explain why its so outstanding.

    Writing wise, for the Bio you've mainly done statement after statement.Your throwing loads of description with use of metaphors and imagery (which is good) but your sentences lack flow since its more of. 1.blha balah, 2 blahaha, 3, etcc
    Instead of flowing sentences.

    Understand me?

    On the whole its really really good, i like your description. Cant wait to see your finished drawing of the keyblade :)
     
  7. Haresuno

    Haresuno KH-3's Übermensch

    If I can ever draw it.. But thank you very much. I'll get to work on editing it ASAP

    EDIT: I've gone ahead and edited my profile, as well as added more things. If you can wait, you'll soon see a chapter for Haresuno in the writing.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  8. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

  9. GrandShadow

    GrandShadow I accept your challange.

  10. Overdose

    Overdose Ninja.V

    I look forward to it,Me and Kupo are thinking of making an RP School, for some friendly competition to Kairus current one ;D Feel free to drop by any time.

    SB you have quite alot of characters, would you like me to give you some C&C on a whole or individual analysis?

    So for now I guess i'll continue with Shadow*91

    From what I’ve seen this is a very exceptional roleplay profile. The character development is well thought out. I love “ Lunos knows eventually it will come down to him versus his sister, and he can't wait for the moment when he gets to kill her.” It gives your character an edge, very good.

    To improve this profile and to improve your writing, check for typos and spelling errors I’ve seen some in there. You’ve added an image as appearance, take it to the next level and leave a paragraph further describing appearance and unique characteristics. i.e any particular features.

    Your bio is written in very short sentences, try linking some up using commas and semi colons. Look out for your sentence construction, in some places things are not well explained due to this. “She is always as strong as he is so if he is weakend this much then she is as well.” Breaking that up with a comma would make more sense. And weakend is spelt weakened.
    On the whole, it’s very good. One of the best I’ve seen so far.
     
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