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The Forbidden Island (Rated M Just to be safe)

Discussion in 'Traditional' started by Guardian Angel, Nov 25, 2008.

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  1. Guardian Angel

    Guardian Angel New Member

    (OOC: I've been working on this for a while, or at least tried to. anyway I hope you enjoy it. And please be honest with me. I would like to know your thoughts about it. And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.)

    Chapter 1


    "Have you found her yet?" Asked a voice behind the man. "No- Wait I think I've found her!" Said the man. "Good job Andy." Thanks Dr. Ashford." Said Andy. He then said. "She's at some island that's past Liberty Island." "So that's where she's been all this time." Said Dr. Ashford. Andy nodded.


    "Get Rebecca on." Said Dr. Ashford. "Yes Sir!" Said Andy. He quickly typed in a few things, and a program popped up with Rebecca on the screen. "Rebecca, we need your help..." Said Dr. Ashford. "What is it?" Asked Rebecca. "It's about your sister." Said Dr. Ashford. "Did she say anything to you about going somewhere?" He asked. Rebecca thought a moment. "She went to the island, am I right?" Said Rebecca. "How did you know?" Asked Dr. Ashford. "She said she was going there because she didn't think she destroyed Damon." Said Rebecca. "So, Damon is still alive." Said Dr. Ashford. Rebecca nodded, and said. "Yeah..."


    (OOC: Let me know what you think so far, and I'll put up chapter 2. I'm sorry it was short, I'll try to write more in chapter 2. by the way, all of the characters in this story, are characters that I created. And I'm sorry if it sucks.)
     
  2. Destiny

    Destiny Guest

    It's good. I would make chapters just a tad bit longer, but it's good.
     
  3. Guardian Angel

    Guardian Angel New Member

    Thanks. And I will make the chapters a little longer. Thanks for the comment.:D
     
  4. I would try to work on the grammatical side of it a bit more. The actual writing is good, and the only criticism I have of the actual writing is using the word 'said' alot. Try 'stated', 'resigned' (for when they know they are wrong) or just use a few adverbs. But you've made niggly mistakes (the main one would be starting a new line for a different person speaking :) ) and as Star says, make them a little longer.

    From what I can pick up the story seems quite basic, which is always good (Seriously if you've ever read the Darren Shan Saga, he took so long to come up with the storyline for those. I got confused reading them....) and I think with a little work it could be a nice little novella ^_^
     
  5. Guardian Angel

    Guardian Angel New Member

    (OOC: Thank you so much! ^^ This is kinda my first fan fic, so it's not going to be that great really. Thanks for the pointers too. You guys are being so helpful.)


    Chapter 2


    It was cold. Amber zipped up her jacket, and held her gun tightly. She looked around carefully, and spotted the blood red eyes that she had been following. She pointed her gun, and the eyes disappeared. Amber was just about to lower her gun when a bunch of Imps came running toward her. Amber quickly put away her pistol and pulled out her uzi's. She shot, and shot, and shot, until they were all dead. She then walked toward where the eyes had been. She moved a few tree limbs, and saw a mansion. She made her way toward the front of the mansion, and noticed that the door was knocked down. She went inside, and looked around. She suddenly felt a sharp pain in her head. "I once lived here..." She said to herself. She then saw a strange light coming from a wooden box. She went over to it, and pushed the top off. Inside was a light blue sphere.

    "Help!"


    Amber stood quickly. "Help me!" Amber ran and followed the voice. "Somebody help!" Amber stopped at a large hole that was in the floor. Amber slid her back pack off, and dug in it until she found her grappling gun. She set it on the floor, and slid on her backpack. Amber then picked up the grappling gun, and shot it toward the ceiling. Once it was in there, she tugged on it, and nothing seemed to move or fall. Amber held on to it, and jumped in the hole. She lowered herself down, and hopped off. She soon noticed a small boy sitting in the corner. She walked over, and kneeled on the floor in front of him. She placed her hand on his shoulder. "My name is Amber Williams." She said. She then added. I heard you scream down here. Are you alright?" The boy looked up at Amber, scared. "Daniel..." He had fear in his voice. "Alright, Daniel, why were you screaming?" Amber asked, as she gently rubbed his cheek with her hand. Daniel gulped, and pointed to a darker part of the room. Amber looked at what Daniel was pointing at, and saw the blood red eyes that had disapeared moments earlier. She stood, and turned, uzi's ready. "Show yourself!" She yelled. Daniel whimpered as the eyes got closer.


    As they moved more into the light, Amber saw that it was some kind monster made out of muscle. Amber shot at it with her uzi's, and the monster ran toward her. Amber looked around quickly. She spotted her grappling gun, and grabbed Daniel. "Hang on!" Amber ran, and grabbed her grappling gun. She pulled the trigger, and it pulled them up, and away from the monster.



    Once they were safe, Amber checked Daniel for any wounds. He was lucky that he didn't get hurt. Amber then spoke. "What are you doing here?" Daniel looked down. "I came here to look for my mother..." "Why don't we look for her together." Amber suggested. Daniel smiled. "Okay."


    (OOC: I hope this chapter is better than the first.)
     
  6. Destiny

    Destiny Guest

    It's good. Great job.
     
  7. Guardian Angel

    Guardian Angel New Member

    Thank you so much! ^_^
     
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