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poems ^.^

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics' started by Nearosaki, Feb 7, 2008.

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  1. Feb 7, 2008 #1
    Nearosaki

    Nearosaki New Member

    i was actaully quiet excited when i saw this thread XD hehe
    im a writer, only talent i have, well i think there pretty good ^.^


    this is one i had to write for a school assignement, and its written in Shakespeare

    Love thow'est wonderful indeed.
    'Tis thee who lov'est me and me who lov'est thee.
    'Tis destiny call'eth upon us.
    'Tis fate bringing thus t'gether.

    I hath though'teth thy love be lost.
    Though'teth it was myth legend and nonexistent .
    Thou hath prove'eth me wrong.
    For thou has shown'eth love upon me.

    'Tis amazing hath things tumble unto place.
    'Tis magical hath me 'n thow cam'eth t'gether.

    Thoust personalitys art thou lik'est magnets.
    Stuck'eth upon thee as thee dream'eth of me.

    I lov'est thou, like bird lov'est flight.
    Thee has changed mine life, and opened mine eyes to happiness.
    Nor words art actions could express how I feel upon thee.
    For thee hath given'est mine life meaning, and purpose.




    Regrets
    Some have regrets.
    Some wish to go back in time.
    Some wish they hadn't.
    Me, I have no regrets.
    I do not wish to go back in time.
    I am glad I did.

    It may hurt, but all in all it was worth it.
    I was able to identify love.
    I was able to feel happy.
    Although it hurts to breath.
    Although it hurts to see.
    I do not regret what I had did.
    What had happened.

    If it hadnt of happened I wouldnt have met you.
    If I hadnt of fell in love I wouldnt have gotten hurt.
    But if I hadnt of gotten hurt, I would stil be stuck within the cage of love.
    If I was still in love with him, I would have never met you.


    The Feeling Of Love
    Happyness is a gift.
    Its somthing you should charish.
    Its the light that guides me threw the darkness
    of my thoughts.
    Its the light in my soul,
    the thoughts that fill my mind.
    Its the way you make me feel when
    everything is lost.
    Its the way I feel towards you.

    With all the bad you still
    put a smile on my face.
    You turn a horrid day into
    a wonderful day.

    You tought me to trust,
    and to beleive in myself.
    You give me confindence.
    Because of you Im able
    to wake up in the morning
    and put a smile on my face.

    You taought me its ok to love,
    its ok to open up to people,
    to want to hold them,
    touch them, be with them.

    You made me relize its ok to feel pain,
    to cry.
    But because of you I no longer
    feel the pain.
    Its as if you pulled all the pain
    right out of me.

    You make me cry tears of a new feeling,
    the feeling of happyness.
    The feeling of love...




    this ones a bit depressing i wrote it a while ago, but i think its one uh my best


    Cigarette Of Life
    love is not happyness,
    its like a drug!
    It is great the first time,
    but then slowely
    begins to kill you from the inside.

    love is the poisin that you choke on
    in your sleep as you gasp for air.
    Love is the pain in your back as the knife
    burrys itself beneath your flesh.

    Love is the cigarrette of life,
    you know it is bad for you,
    but you continue to go back for more.

    Love is why people cut, why people kill, scream,
    cry.

    Love is the cold hands that you feel on your neck
    as your breaths begin to shorten.
    It is the gun to your head,
    the cliff you stand upon!
    Its the foot on your chest
    as you start to see black.

    Love is sorrow, pain, hatred, blood,
    spite, loss, lust, lonliness, worry!
    It is the scars on your wrists,
    the screams that leave your mouth!
    Its the cigarrette of life!
    You know it bad for you, although
    you go back for more everytime!
    Its addicting! Harmful!

    Love is not fuckin happyness!
    Its why people cut! kill! scream! cry!

    Love is the cause of the pain and suffering I feel!
    Its the cigarette I keep smoking although it kills me inside!



    this is another school asignment tis a Sonnet quiet old aswell

    Broken
    I see the blaze,
    the fire in your eyes,
    your begin to daze,
    I think of the lies.

    you said the three words of truth,
    but was it real?
    or were you just giving me ruth?
    were you trying to apeal?

    I beleived you cared 4 me,
    but aparently I was wrong.
    I know I have to be strong.
    your have to agree.

    I cant beleive I could be so blind!
    maybe I should just stay confined.


    tellz meh wat you think ^.^
    <3
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2008
  2. Feb 7, 2008 #2
    EbeneezerAl

    EbeneezerAl New Member

    Well, I have to say poetry is not my strong suit. I was decent at writing it in high school, but only because I knew what teachers wanted to see and fed it to them.

    That being said I chose to create and lead this section so I could have someplace to put my music, so I'll do the best I can to give feedback like a good leader. ^_^

    I commend you in the first poem for your use of Shakespearean English. I think it's overdone in places, but overall it was nicely handled. It's not easy to try and write like that. I also like it cause it's one of the only two that really feel cheerful.

    For the second one, I have trouble understanding. Like I said, poetry is not my strong suit, so maybe it's just me. I don't quite understand if it's supposed to be a happy poem or a sad one. Is this an "it's better to have loved and lost" scenario?

    I think the third one could use a little more variation of language. There are a few places where you use the same words over and over next to each other, but they don't seem to have any useful purpose in their repetition. The one that stands out to me is the next to last stanza. You use pain quite a few times. Try using some other words in there, that mean the same thing. It would give the stanza more power in my opinion.

    The Cigarette of Life is definitely depressing. That being said, I think it is one of the better ones in there.The metaphors to compare it with various painful things in life in each stanza (Suicide, betrayal, death, self-inflicted pain, etc) are very well done. The repetition in this is also quite tasteful in comparison with the previous poem. Again, wholly dark and depressing, and I can't say as I agree with the standpoint, but it is a good poem.

    I like the third one, but the rhythm seems off in places, especially the second stanza. I'd work on that one a little bit. Again, I think a thesaurus would help here. Some lines cold be shortened, others lengthened.

    Also, you need to work on your spelling and grammar in places. For instance, you use "your" a lot when you should just say "you". There are quite a few typos as well. And that 4 in the fourth stanza of Broken really bothers me. To me it takes away from the maturity of the poem. I'm pulled out of it and all I can think is "why would you do that?" I would take that out and actually put the word "for".

    Overall, nice job. Hopefully some of those hints can help you. Again, not my strong suit, XD.
     
  3. Feb 7, 2008 #3
    Nearosaki

    Nearosaki New Member

    thanks ^.^ to be honest i really liked that feed back, well, the Broken one is farelly old, and same with The Feeling Of Love, wrote them early 8th grade year, and im not the best at happy poems aparently lawl, and Regret, was basically saying its better to have love and lost and everything happens for a reason, meh gues i needa be more descriptive lols

    I know i cant spell, and my grammar is horrid hehe i do have to work on that allot, and the repetition of words is really bad aswell, but its like. . idk i find it kinda hard to make a poem flow 100% properly, buuut, i think you can kinda tell how my style has changed a bit like. . . The Feeling Of Love, is rather old along with Regret, and Broken, the newest one would be the Shakespearien one, [ cant spell >.< ]

    Honestly, with Ciggarette Of Life, that is actauly one of the first poems i ever written. At the time basically love for me was sooo awful but now my standing point of that poem, is completely opposite and i dont think that love is awful at all tis purely an amazing thing within my life atm, buut like i said that was ages ago.

    i would like to say thank you for the feed back again, tis really did help n most deffinetly put into consideration ^.^ thanks <33
     
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