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Kingdom Hearts:Darkness Riseing(Trios Story)SU/OOC

Discussion in 'Archive' started by DarkAngel, Jul 21, 2011.

whitch of the Ultimate Keyblades should Trio hold "Ultima wepon" or "X-Blade"?

  1. Ultima wepon

    66.7%
  2. X-Blade

    33.3%
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  1. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Hi this is my first roleplay post...and it is about my very own character...Trio.

    The plot in this storyline is that our main character Trio is a roge Keyblade welder that is hunting Heartless, Nobody's, and Unversed and as he is heading to Kingdom Hearts at the worled that never was and he, His TEN Keyblades & his Heartless, Nobody, Unversed Hybreid Dragon he is sarounded by milliones of Nova Shadows that are being controled by a Orginization cloke that is hunting him...while he is sending out his Ten Keyblades and his dragon and starts attacking the Nova shadows he starts to remember his past.

    Trio was the middle Childe in a family of Nine...his mother was haveing another girl and her name was Nio(when you sign up one of you can make up what she looks like) and out of all the kids he was the only one who was able to use the Keyblade and to weild the most powerful Keyblade ever...The Ultima wepon.(I am thinking of changing it to the X-Blade but you all can tell me what you think when you join...) Master Equaris(or VAT's master I don't know what his real name is...) was the one that taught Trio how to use the Keyblade and Ventus, Aqua & Terra were his peers. While he was at the Castle he got word that his sister was born and that modivaded him to train as hard as posible and sure enough in one year he was the first to gradguat as a Keyblade master. He was known as the youngest and fastest person to complet there training.

    When he got home he was so happy that he was going to see his baby sister for the first time...unfortunately when he opened the door he was expecting a welcome home party...instead he find a heart stoping tragedy...he find his family slaterd and scatered across the house. when he gets to the stairs he hears some one moving in the atic and then he hears a scream and sees blood splater out from under the door in shock he somons his Ultime wepon/X-Blade and busts through the door to the atic. When he gets there he sees his Mother with the Unversed simbale carved in her chest, his Father with the Heartless simble in his and his One year old sister with the Nobody simble in her's. Then he looks to the window and sees the murderer jump out it...he runs to the window and sees Sora's Heartless runing away but not before it says the words "...your next chosen one..." and with that dissapers.

    After that Trio runs to his sister who was still moveing he held her up and she said through talepithy that Trio needed to avenge them but the last words she said before she died was "S-O-R-A-..." and that was it. After that Trio started to cry...And as he did Dark thoughts start to go through his mind and he starts to glow with a dark aora...while that happens he stands up and somons his Keyblade...after that his mother, father, and Baby sister start to morph to the Heartless, Unversed, and Nobody Keyblades...and as he swore to his sister that he would kill every Heartless, Nobody, and Unversed untill they no longer exsisted and with that three more Keyblades...Oblivion, Oathkeeper, and Two-in-one were somoned...and finaly he thought about what his freinds Ventus, Aqua and Terra would think and with that he somoned their Keyblades...and that is how he ended up with Ten different Keyblades and held them with the dark power from within himself.

    But with that dark power he somoned a monster of a beast that was part Heartless, part Nobody, and part Unversed...the beast was named Triodon by Trios choice. With that he set out into the universe but what he did not know when he left was that all his anger hateread and darkness in his heart unlessed a heartless that was his very opposite...Anti-Trio...and then his Heartless was made.

    Trio and Triodon set out into the worlds searching every star for the one they called Sora untill he found him... makeing freinds killing every and Heartless, Nobody, and Unversed makeing freinds on his way untill there was none left on every planet that he had visted...and while that happened Vanitus was watching his every move and finaly made an Unversed of him that he called Oirt...and then his Unversed was made.

    Evntualy he found the world that never was and fought his way into the castle there. He fought every single Nobody and defeated a Nobody that called himself Xemnas. Then he stole a Orginizations cloke...after he left Xemnas talked to DiZ and said that Trio can not be left to rome the universe and unfortunately DiZ agreed so they made a Nobody copy of Trio and called it Xriot...unfortunately something went wrong with the creation proses and Xriot got a mind of its own...it destroyed DiZ's lab and stole Xemnas's cloke as it travled it finaly desided to destory Trio like it was built for...and then his Nobody was born.

    With that Trio finaly had an oppiste of all three types of creaters that he was destroying all of them with the same motive but no one in the universe knows what their true goals are...not even Trios and with that days pass, things happen and Trio is 16 and still on his search for Sora who is unbeknowns to himself is going to be in the bigest battle of his life...

    sign up is simple all you have to do is make a character and anser the pole I have put out but your character must have the following:

    Name:
    Age:
    Gender:
    Nemasise:
    Closest Freind:
    Wepon:
    History:
    AND...
    Tie In Trios Story Line:

    I also need volonters to play Sora, Xion, Riku, Kairi, Oirt, Anti-Trio, Anti-Sora, Triodon, DiZ, Namine, Xemnas and the other Orginization members, Ventus, Aqua, Terra, Equais, Vavitias and Trios other Freinds...Good luck to all, this Post will stay open for OOC talk, the real Roleplay will begin when we have at lest 32 members or more and I hope to see many Volenters...thank you and I hope that with all your help I can get the creators of Kingdom Hearts to make this a game or book...

    Here is Trio's Bio:

    Name:Trio
    Age:16
    Gender:Male
    Nemisises:Sora, Anti-Trio, Orginization XIII, Oirt, Xriot, DiZ, Vanitas and all Heartless, Nobody's, and Unversed
    Closest Freind:Riku
    Wepon:the described Ten Keyblades
    Histroy:already discribed
    Tie In Storyline:Main Character
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2011
  2. EtherealSummoner

    EtherealSummoner Lamentations 3:22-26

    Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... may you please make that plot more clear? In other words, separate them? In other, more clearer words, break them down? In other, more specific words, make more paragraphs out of that one big, loooong paragraphs so that all of the members here can actually read and understand it? Thank you... and what is up with the poll?

    Oh yea. One more thing. -___- There is no way for you to get 32 members to play in this roleplay. ??? Actually, this is all jumbled up. ..... ... ... ... you need help... pm me or Destiny about it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2011
  3. Destiny

    Destiny Guest

    Now I see what you mean ^

    Can I suggest something for you to learn? Grammar, spelling, proper RP'ing.

    Next already your character, Trio, already sounds like a god mod

    Please check the RP guideline, edit your post, and redo it
     
  4. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    well i need help so get back to me tomarow and I will se what I can do about the first post...
     
  5. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    yea Trionaut. we kinda told you this in the Create Your own Character thread. Trio is just too powerful. you may want to 1 dumb it down. 2. make a more "down to earth" character. 3. make sure you do this AFTER you've read the RP rules. 3. (this is just my opinion) work on a new plot. this one is just too all over the place. If you need help with that let me know, I'm all for coming up with stories.
     
  6. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    well it is just that I am a big fan of this Trio but it is his oppisites are the most dangers so I would like to keep my Trio character but I don't mind changing his enamy's but his pet is ust a dragon and he dosen't have any SPECIAL powers just enough to hold his Ten Keyblades but other than that he is just a ragular human being you know...
     
  7. Moogle

    Moogle Well-Known Member

    Trio, hun, could you fill this out for me? This will help you in the long run.



    Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu Test.

    Subject:

    [ ] They are possessed by an angel
    [ ] They are possessed by a demon
    [ ] They are a werewolf/vampire/faerie
    [] They are physically strong.
    [] They have a rare hair/fur color
    [] Their eyes are an unusual color
    [ ] This happens to be red
    [ ] Their eyes change color
    [ ] They have wings
    [ ] They can grow extra body parts/shapeshift
    [ ] They are immortal
    [] (if a female) they have large boobs
    [ ] (if a male) they are very muscular
    [] They are very attractive to the opposite gender.
    [ ] They are telekinetic/pyrokinetic/etc (fire)
    [ ] They have sixth sense/can mind-read/etc
    [ ] They have an object of some sort that gives them powers
    [] They have a special ability/power, but they don't know about it yet
    [ ] They were bestowed/cursed with these powers
    [ ] They are a healer
    [] They are from a very rich/royal family
    [ ] They don't know that they are from a very rich/royal background
    [] They have lost one/both of their parents
    [] They ran away from home
    [ ] Their parents are cruel, uncaring, abusive etc.
    [ ] They witnessed one/both of their parent's death
    [ ] They are part angel/demon/faerie/some other mythical creature
    [] They never knew their parents
    [ ] They were abused/spoiled as a child
    [ ] They are very attractive to the same gender
    [ ] They have lots of friends/no friends
    [ ] They are emo/cutesy
    [] They look much younger/older than they really are.
    [] They are currently in a relationship
    [ ] They have lots of morals and state them a fair bit for example: 'I would rather be with my friends than with my boyfriend/girlfriend' 'Nothing matters more to me than my friends/family' 'I wouldn't hesitate to die in place of a friend' etc. It's fine if your OC has these beliefs/values, but if they constantly say them out loud/preach them to others, then we have a problem.
    [ ] They have a mental disorder
    [ ] They have an emotional disorder
    [ ] They struggle to stay sane
    [ ] They are a psycho
    [ ] They have multiple personalities
    [ ] They are very intelligent
    [ ] They have hallucinations
    [ ] They can summon spirits/demons/angels etc.
    [ ] They have an unusual/unrealistic pet
    [ ] They have a guardian spirit
    [ ] They have a 'special type' of soul
    [ ] Their soul is not the same as them
    [ ] They can talk to spirits/ghosts
    [ ] Some part of their body glows
    [ ] They have a rare/unusual name
    [ ] They were born on an important date, such as New Year's Eve, Midsummers Night, The Winter Solstace etc.
    [ ] They have a twin/sibling that they were separated from at birth/a young age
    [ ] They are connected with a certain element
    [ ] They are connected with a certain animal
    [ ] They always dress like a certain 'label'
    [ ] They look quite a bit like a character from a popular anime/manga (dunno but chances are that it's true)
    [ ] They are a race/species that is discriminated against/misunderstood
    [ ] They have a certain power that is misunderstood/feared
    [] They live/lived on the streets at some point in their lives
    [ ] They are hiding from someone/something
    [ ] They have a rare blood type
    [ ] They cry blood
    [ ] Certain noises/smells/situations/etc make their powers activate/give them a nervous breakdown
    [] They are from a different country to where they live
    [ ] They are very mysterious/dark
    [ ] They are very lively/happy
    [ ] Their mood changes a lot/very quickly
    [ ] They are very patient
    [ ] They are from a long line of (Insert profession/Power here: )
    [ ] They have a piece of jewelry/clothing that they always wear
    [ ] They have amnesia
    [ ] They have some sort of permanent medical condition
    [ ] They have a curse upon them
    [] They are involved in some sort of prophecy
    [ ] They are 'the chosen one'
    [ ] They have insomnia

    Overall points:

    Take points off your OCs overall score if they fit any of the following statements:

    [ ] They smoke
    [ ] They are an alcoholic
    [ ] They are overweight
    [ ] They are addicted to drugs
    [ ] They have a short temper
    [ ] They enjoy bullying others
    [ ] They do not care much about others
    [ ] They are emotionless

    Point Reductions:

    Final score:
    ___________________________________________________________________________________

    < 5 Anti-Sue
    Your character may be a bit on the boring side. Of course, this does depend, but generally if they are scoring that low, it wouldn't hurt to 'spice them up' a bit ^^


    6-15 Balanced Character
    If your OC scored around here, then they are probably quite a well-balanced and interesting character. Those scoring in the higher end of this category may be a bit too much though.


    16-25 Borderline Mary-Sue
    We have a problem. You need to tone your character down. They are most likely a bit annoying to others, too.

    26+ Mary-Sue
     
    EtherealSummoner likes this.
  8. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    I edited your story for two reasons: It sounds way better and this was great practice for me to correct sentences for the SAT!

    Anyway your grammar is pretty poor, your character is god like, the story is bland, and shows no sign of interest.

    I helped out by editing the entire thing for you and added criticism. In the future fix the ideas mentioned above.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2011
  9. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Legacy this is my story and you are getting on my nerves...I will admit that I may need to change things but that is the way I remember...Made it and it is how it is staying...
     
  10. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    well you should at least listen when advice is literally thrown at you. whenever I write a story i go to as many people as possible to get their opinion on what they think, any flaws or inconsistencies they see, and whatever else they have to say. It makes you a better writer and you learn to spot things on your own.
     
  11. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    yeah but I just have problems with Legacy like you do...by the way I sent the thing about me and I am takeing your side alot more now because I agree with you more...
     
  12. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    well thanks and all, but I'm just trying to give you advice. a little constructive criticism never heart anybody even if it comes from Legacy.
     
  13. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    Trust me, I'm not trying to take your story.

    That's fine.

    Well spelling, grammar, and vocabulary are a huge asset towards a story.

    That's fine also. It's your story and your decision. If you do not want to listen to anyone's advice, I respect that decision.
     
  14. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    its not the gramer its the story its self...but Trio is not as powerful as you think he is weaker than any of your characters will ever be...
     
  15. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    how is he weak with 10 keyblades?
     
  16. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    just because he sounds realy powerful dosn't mean he is...he has had thousands of times that he thought he was going to get his heart took him by a Heartless or he thought that he was going to be finshed by a Nobody or Unversed...there is just too much darkness in his heart but he dosen't let it out...
     
  17. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    but both Terra and Riku proved that Darkness isn't a weakness.
     
  18. Angel

    Angel Lion Heart Staff Member Administrator

    Grammar is not an issue.
    -Lightning strikes beside me-
    The story can not reach the audition without grammar.

    Example:
    Bad Sentence:
    The boy aint gonna die iffin he got two gons in his arsnal!

    Good Sentence:
    The boy will live because he has two guns in his arsenal!

    I read thoroughly.

    Trio has ten keyblades. Trio can summon a Heartless, Nobody, Unversed Dragon Hybrid. He has the power of darkness. Trio defeated Xemnas. He began cleansing each world of all Heartless, Unversed, and Nobodies. Lastly he must defeat three counter parts of himself.

    Trio is god-like.

    Kinda agree with that.

    It's easy to say that but can you write it.

    That's internal conflict.
     
  19. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Legacy you make to much sense
     
  20. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    Like I said even Legacy can give good advice....you win this round nemesis!!!!
     
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